Shhhhhh, not a Sound.

I have a scret that I rarely share with anyone, so guess what, todays your lucky day!

During my early childhood I suffered with endless ear infections, notched up multiple visits to various ENT specialists, and when I was 11 went profoundly deaf for a year. School was a nightmare as I was deaf, just started wearing glasses as well, and was fat and spotty as I entered puberty. So you could say perhaps not the best time of my life and also it may account for my hidden lack of confidence at times. Anyway thanks to surgery my hearing came back within a year and seemed to be back to normal.

Roll forward 10 years later and I asked my mother when she listened to silence could she really hear absolutely nothing, what was silence like? I asked this question because it had taken me the best part of a decade to realise that I have an irritating background noise in my head, but I thought that everyone had this! So I live my life with a constant shhhhhh sound and sometimes a high pitched squeal as well, which really is irritating. Most of the time the general hubbub of life means its not too intrusive, the worse time being in bed at midnight when all you can hear is a load of white noise. So you can imagine my total delight when 6 months ago my husband presented me with an MP3 player. To be honest it is a gift that is heaven sent as my sleeping is transformed. Now I nod off plugged into all sorts of music from classical to rock to folk, to swing. But No Opera! So whats the most played music on my Mp3 player.....?

1. The Turn of a Friendly Card Alan Parsons Project
2. All of my Heart ABC
3. Galadriel Annebjorg Lien
4. When All is Said and Done ABBA
5. The Water Lily Annebjorg Lien
6. Les Bobos Renaud
7. Water Music Handel
8. Get it right next time Gerry Rafferty
9. Great Balls of Fire Jerry Lee Lewis
10. Part of the Union Strawbs
11. Chocolat Original Soundtrack
12. Softly as I leave You Matt Monroe
13. Meet me on the Corner Lindisfarne
14. Daydream Believer The Monkees
15. Are you Ready for Love? Elton John
16. Sweet Home Alabama Lynard Skynard
17. Sense Lightening Seeds
18. Parklife Blur
19. Dives and Lazerus Vaughan Williams
20. La Mer Charles Trenet

A fairly varied mix I would hope.

Belief

I have a Friend who told me he believes in G-d because he chooses to. I thought this was interesting in that rather than have a sudden conversion he had studied it, thought about it and then made a rational positive choice to believe rather than not to. The reasons he gave me were numerous, but I was taken by the very act of a positive belief rather than a negative. Too often we hear I don't believe in.... I cant.... I wont.... its not too often we hear of a genuinely positive action. Its a bit like you only hear bad news stories from day to day, never the amazingly good stories that happen all over the world. I also think a positive choice is in fact a more difficult one. You actually have to work at keeping that choice going as opposed to a negative thought which requires little maintenance. Its with this thought that I too, try to make positive choices. My friends words struck such a chord in me I often catch myself using the vary phrase he did. I do try but I fear, often fail to be positive about my life and prospects, I make a choice to see some good in the world and yes I too make a positive choice about my personal beliefs. But its never easy, and anyone who tells you such is either lying or misguided, you really have to work day in day out to keep positivity going, the half full bucket could all to easily become half empty but if I have my way, not in my lifetime.

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.
William JamesUS Pragmatist philosopher & psychologist (1842 - 1910)

No Rod,No Staff and very little Comfort

You know how it feels when you snuggle down and think Oooo thats soooooo comfy... lovely isn't it? So imagine a life of never being comfortable, and I mean never ever ever. That's my fate. Never again will I have that comfy cosiness on the sofa or in a big armchair, for destiny has decreed that I will at best always feel as if I'm sitting on a big bag of sharp stones. I spend every night fidgeting around the bed, legs up, down, pillow, extra pillows, on my front, back, side. No matter what position I'm in, I'm never ever comfortable. The same is true for sitting, although I have some great cushions, a gel one and an air one, again, I'm never quite comfy. I am infact sad to say it almost used to living with the discomfort of life. However sometimes, just occassionally, Id sell my soul to the devil just to have a nice cosy, comfy evening.

Not to have felt pain is not to have been human...

...but I wouldnt mind living without it. Seriously my back is absolutely killing me and Ive had it for 3 days now and its starting to send me a bit bonkers as a result. Last night I felt too ill to feed the baby so my husband had to do it, and I didn't get up til about 10.30 this morning because I physically couldn't, and also Id slept so badly I feel shattered. I haven't had pain like this for ages, plus I spent the night sweating horribly even though its February and we don't have the heating on at night, so you sort of get the picture of my current state. This morning I succumbed and started foraging around for some really good pain killers, but to be honest Ive never found anything very effective. OK that's not quite true, my doctor gave me amytriptiline a couple of years ago which although primarily an antidepressant, is also really good for pain. However I would take one before bed at night, sleep really well and then be totally comatose the following morning. So I had to stop taking it as I couldn't really function half asleep despite having some decent pain management. From there onwards its been all downhill, and since I was pregnant in 2007/8 I got used to a life without medication, but after only 3 days of total misery I'm thinking of crawling back to my GP and begging for something to make me feel life is worth carrying on. To be truthful its rare I'm like this, I guess Ive developed pretty good pain strategies that usually work, but right now they don't and I'm feeling quite grumpy as a result.

Pontins

No.Dont.even.think.about.going.there. I mean it was cheap and served the purpose but that's all I can say to be honest. As soon as we arrived I sniffed problems, 'park on the grass verge and go to reception we were told'. Hmmm I don't think so, disabled parking? No didn't have any as such, well it was miles away from anywhere which was a bit pointless. So I queued up only to be told that I had to go into the ballroom, where I got our key. We finally found to our 'chalet' after driving round in circles for 20 mins, the access was really rubbish. When I booked they said they didn't have any accessible places left ( probably dont have any truth be told)but said that by having a ground floor one that would be OK. Indeed it was, only they had forgotten about the 5 inch step and patio door rail to get over, plus the lack of any dropped kerb so I had to go over the wet grass every time I went in and out. Once inside there was no cot, and no electricity. Dan then trooped back to the reception to start the whole thing all over again, eventually lugging back the cot and carrying some electricity card. I mean they tell you nothing when you arrive. It took us 2 hours to sort this out, and then we found 2 of the 4 heaters weren't working so this time I went to report it. By 8pm a man was replacing them and apologising. Centerparcs it wasn't. The floor was sticky and the accommodation cold. Facilities were generally run down and access poor, the swimming pool was pretty much standing room only and the changing area hadn't had any money spent on it since 1973 by the look of it. Now actually I really didn't care, if I had paid full whack Id have been furious, but as it was I shrugged my shoulders and the boys were oblivious to it all. It was just a place to sleep in my mind. But no I can say in all honesty, wild horse would not drag me back again, it is and will always be my only experience of the British holiday camp!

Wychwood Park

We are returned after a jolly good week generally speaking. So here goes, part 1 of the holiday report. As Somerset is about 300 miles away I decided to stay about halfway overnight in a hotel that I booked on the net near Crewe of all places. It looked nice and was near the motorway. The hotel in question was Wychwood Park, part of the De Vere chain, Although it looked pretty new, upon arrival I was informed that the lift was broken and my room had been moved down stairs. I also found the shower didn't work and there was no TV remote control. Frankly I didn't want to complain as I was more interested in sleeping well, and I did, it was very comfortable, nice and accessible and being Valentines day we actually got to have a meal without the boys for the first time in at least 5 years, maybe more! So I was happy. I was even happier when the following morning they chose not to charge me for the room because of the problems Id had. That was a really good gesture, excellent customer service and has ensured that we will chose to stay there again as a result. Wychwood Park, a very comfortable place to stay, and professional staff as well!

So long.........

...and farewell, but not for long.... We are out and about touring the length of the country visiting friends and family until next w/e. Will be fun, but think of me over the week as I rack up another 1000 miles. Talk about carbon footprint, mine must be about the size of an Elephant! Catch you when Im back with lots of things to talk about, Im sure. Cheers and thanks for reading once again!

25 Random things about me

A while back I was 'tagged' by a friend to reveal some random things. Well at the time I never got round to it, so better late than never heres 25 randomish things about me.....

1. Daffodils are my favourite flowers.
2. I did 5 years studying Dutch as a sideline at Uni.
3. I met my husband at a seder.
4. I have had dogs all my life.
5. I have only 3 points on my driving licence.
6. I have been arrested once.
7. I love eggs.
8. I cant bear opera.
9. I wanted to be a vet when I was growing up.
10. My grandfather played Rugby for Wales.
11. Im interested in everything ( well mostly)
12. I have no addictions, never did and cant think of any vices either!
13. I buy far too many shoes for what good it does me.
14. I am religiously unorthodox.
15. I am always right and my husband knows this apart from when Im wrong.
16. I love driving which is a good job.
17. I am too idealistic and get too upset at injustice.
18. I would like more children probably.
19. Im very shy really.
20. I was a fishmonger when I was at Uni, so Im good with a knife!
21. I am intolerant and beligerant at my worst.
22. At my best Im caring and witty.
23. Im very loyal and never forget a friendship.
24. T10.
25. My husband was and remains the only one for me.

all fairly random-ish

Bluff and Double Bluff

Its no good Id better come clean, I'm a complete and utter charlatan! What you see is not what you get, well not what I get anyway. Let me explain. Anyone who knows me thinks I'm confident, forthright, intelligent, wonderful and marvelous, I know coz I'm told over and over again, but inside I'm dying a thousand deaths every time I have to do something that is vaguely public. My confidence is all but zero so I just go through pretending I'm this calm wonderful person while really hoping I'm going to vanish from sight. For some reason Ive become almost hypersensitive about myself, I'm super self conscious and my feeling of self worth is very low. And its starting to show. Since my first son was born Ive worked for about 10 months. Admittedly I wasn't always available for work but in that time since I've had no offers of work whatsoever. I get interviews, and I know I usually interview well, I'm educated, well spoken, articulate, and super conscientious and yet when it comes to the bit.... Please give a 10 minute talk on XYZ, Powerpoint is available.... I fall apart. That's it, interview over I have failed yet again. And yet I didn't used to be like this. I have exams in public speaking, chat to me and you would never think I'm such a disaster, but I start to stutter, I mumble, I forget my facts and I'm as boring as hell. I'm so conscious of myself its becoming an issue and I'm not sure how to overcome it. Its the staticness of it all that doesnt help, I'm just sitting and being dull. Movement during a talk is a great distraction and can also add a lot, its something I don't have and I really don't know how to go about injecting some fluidity into my presentations. Maybe I need counselling....seriously? Certainly I'm starting to dread applying for things because I know I'm going to have to give a talk, or maybe i should avoid it by selling myself short. I don't know, but it makes me feel sick even thinking about it, I feel so bloody stupid.

The Best Mirror

Anyway the weather is chronic, I'm feeling slightly stressed and we are off to visit family next week in the south of England for a week. So today I finally decided to pick up the phone and ring a very good friend Ive neglected for, oh well, some time actually, much to my shame. I know its a terrible cliche but time does fly by, and I don't know where its gone. Actually Ive been eternally pregnant for the last 2 years so its not really surprising Ive been a bit dizzy headed. So our friend was absolutely thrilled to speak to me , he'd lost our phone number so it works both ways, but hey you know you have a friendship when you just pick up where you left off. We decided to meet up as they've only seen one of our 3 children and then I said, I, er, er, er, think we should, er, er, make it somewhere, er, fairly accessible as, er, well you know, I, er, can't actually walk anymore, er............. Whew, I thought, that wasn't too bad. Actually I think on reflection Ive been bad at staying in touch with a lot of friends for this very reason, as I, er, er, er, don't know what to say, er, so better to say nothing and ignore the whole thing. A bad idea, disloyal to old friends and not good for me spiritually.

'the best mirror is an old friend' - George Herbert

Cbeebies

We are avid watchers of Cbeebies in our house, my favourite shows being Charlie and Lola, and The Koala Brothers, the one I really cant stand is Me Too! Anyway the Cbeebies presenters are a fixture in our lives and the children all feel they sort of know them in a familiar kind of way. So we were all flabbergasted when our 2 favourites, Chris and Pui, were replaced by 2 new presenters this week.... and no one told us it was going to happen. But people move on and they have new presenters, and you know what..... one of them has a disability! My husband was watching and shouted hey come and look at this, and yes there was a disabled person on Cbeebies much to my astonishment. Seems the new female presenter has the lower half of her right arm missing and actually makes no attempt to hide it either. My son was nonplussed about the whole thing, he actually find disability interesting but a normal part of life so didn't really see why we were pointing it out to him.

Sadly if you take a look at the Cbeebies message board, even in the 21st century, a lot of parents are not so pleased at the choice, one parent complains that they 'don't want their 3 year old seeing things like that', and another complains of the BBC being 'too PC.' Now let me just think a second, forgive me if I'm wrong, but we have black presenters, gay presenters, old and young presenters, presenters of all religions, Irish presenters, but scratch my head and funnily enough I cant think of a glut of obviously disabled people on TV. Unless its a specialist programme of someone being plucky and courageous then there doesn't seem to be a great disabled presence on the box. So is this the last taboo, do we still have a problem with disability and if so why?

When ideas fail, words come in very handy

Over the past few days we've all been subjected to the Carole Thatcher 'G' word fiasco, as if there is nothing better to talk about in the world of course. But its got me thinking again about how we use language. Of course language is changing and evolving so to be honest I'm more concerned about the intent behind the words than the words per se. Over the last few years I have been called 'handicapped' more than a few times, which makes me shudder, had people shout loudly at me as if I have a hearing impediment, talk to my husband because really I'm half invisible, ask me extremely personal questions that I'm sure they don't throw into conversation with other people they meet, and so on and so on. Although Ive been irritated, bemused and amused, and rolled my eyes a lot of the time, I cant recall ever being offended. That's because if I did Id spend most of the week in a huff of some kind, but more importantly Ive never detected any malice in the way Ive been spoken to or about. Words do reinforce stereotypical thinking, ( I am not handicapped ok?) but with education and time we can hopefully change thinking. Its a generational thing as well, mostly strange comments come from older people, Id say over 70s, and this is shown by my mother who at 70 spends a lot of time pausing mid sentence as she tries to find the right word to describe a learning difficulty, I guess its changed a lot in her lifetime, but she has an awareness to stop and think of how she says things. So while its OK for me to say I'm feeling a bit er...cripply, its probably best if you didn't.

Stressing

So time for a photo of us all in the snow. To be honest I look less than amused, have a savage haircut and am not wearing pj's, honestly. I don't mind snow, it did start off as lovely powdery stuff, but now its compacted into thick ice, and to be honest I'm in dire need of a sledge. I'm starting to stress over it big time. My husband in his usual manner tells me not too, after all he says he is much better at stressing for both of us, which yes I admit is very true. But my stress is real. Ive hardly been out all week, we are running out of food. No we wont starve but its going to get a bit boring. We are going away next w/e and the starter motor has packed up in the Shogun. I cant get into the garage until the snow clears. I need to go to the bank, and so on and so on. Yes I'm stressing, I'm stressing that I might fall which having done it soooo often I'm already anticipating that pain involved, so yes I'm feeling just a bit stressed right now. So please bear with me.

The Blame Game

If only..... If only I had not......

How often do we hear that, or say it ourselves? When disability strikes do we blame ourselves or do we look to others, or maybe we just have to accept that some things are out of our control? Blame I think, is part of the grieving process, which psychologists identify as 5 distinct parts

1. Denial... 'OMG you cant be serious, this cant be happening to me.'
2. Anger...Verbally assault everyone around you, the closer they are the worse they get it.
3. Bargaining... the 'if onlys' and the 'please God I will do whatever you ask of me.'
4. Depression... Prozac or do you just want to talk about it?
5. Acceptance... Life goes on.

Crikey, now I write it down I can see Ive been somewhere along all those roads at some point and now for the most part am out the other side of it all. However sometimes the jabbing pointy finger comes out and then I'm very very angry. I still do get disproportionately angry sometimes, and I admit to anger issues for what seems to be no particular reason, perhaps that's just the way I'm wired. But one thing I have learned is not to do the blame game, I try never to blame an individual, Im angry at life, but life for the most part is no ones fault. We make the best choice we can with the information we have at the time. People do take risks and more often than not they come off. Its the occasion they don't, or we find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. Should we blame ourselves? I think not. Personally I tend to believe in Fate, destiny or whatever. No one knows whats round the corner, but if you can live life to the full without blame or unfullfillment it is I think the best you can hope for.