Keep Bloggering On!

Saw the lady in half trick

2011-12-07T19:36:00.000Z

Good grief Ive been chopped in half. Actually it really does seem like that. Its unpleasant and I don't think I will ever get used to feeling as if someone has swung a great sword through me and disconnected the bottom half. In reality that's exactly what has happened, and the 2 pieces of me sit here together not talking to each other any more. the top half sways about like the top of a tower, atop the bottom bit of me which speaks to no one. Rather like a failed conjurers trick of sawing the lady in half, and its strange as I know I'm there but it doesn't seem like me. I tell the kids are bashing my legs by the physical sings not by the tactile ones and its weird because I know what they are dong I fool myself into thinking I'm feeling them. Really its the memory of touch that stays in my head. A blind friend of mine tell mes she still has a bank of stored images in her head that she uses for reference so I suppose the brain puts the memory in place of the reality.

Watch your Trunk.

2011-11-04T20:21:00.000Z

Today I had to collect the car from Newcastle, and the nice people at Mercedes offered to pick me up. Great service from a lovely company I must say. Anyway I got into the car which was a fairly nice highish spec model and off we went. The driver explained to me that he had to collect a couple of other people in town, which was fine by me as I wasn't doing the driving. These are the kind of times that make me sometimes a bit more disabled than usual. My wheelchair is set in such a way that with a decent bucket I have to sit up straight. It would be fairly difficult to fall forwards for instance as my knees are considerably higher than normal. I use a CG lock on my car seat belt that firmly anchors my bot to the seat but as a passenger though I'm all over the place. With every turn of the car I was leaning as well. Left. right and left again, I clutched the seat in an effort to sit straight. Every time he stopped I lunged forward and at every acceleration I was pushed back into the car seat. This guy was a good and considerate driver, I wasn't being thrown about particularly it was just me lolling around all over the place.

One of the things they try to teach you with any kind of spinal injury is core stability, Really its the art of sitting on a big ball which I have always been pretty poor at doing. Balance at the best of times was never my strong point. Think of me as the young girl who couldn't even stand on a skateboard without falling off and you get the idea. Anyway now at the worst of times my stability is a lot poorer than I realised. I suppose having babies makes you very unbalanced and Ive never been able to improve afterwards. In an ideal world I could do with some new and improved core stability physio, but finding the time to fit it in is a problem. Id better keep an eye on my trunk and keep practising as I can.

Tin openers

2011-11-03T13:43:00.000Z

I need a new tin opener and I need one now. So far this year I have managed to wreck 4 different types, all of which assure you on the packaging they are 'easy to use'. I don't find them at all easy to use actually and because I cant grip them hard enough I end up using them at an odd angle which eventually causes the cutting blade to either snap or become unusably blunt. I have been thinking of getting an electric opener but have shied away so far as they seem big and bulky on the worktop, or I suspect the smaller ones are heavy as they take batteries. To be honest I try to use ring pull tins where possible these fays but even now they are not available in every item you want. So I'm open to suggestions. And as for hot water bottles, don't get me started on how hard they are!

Diet Update

2011-11-01T22:04:00.000Z

An update on my diet. So far its been going well, I've managed 3 weeks without falling off the wagon. In that time I've succumbed to 4 biscuits, no chocolate or sweets, no butter and I've cut the carbs right down. Eaten a lot of Porridge, and Snackajacks and Ryvita are my New Best Friends. Ive managed to lose some weight, but have no idea how much, a few pounds I'm guessing as people, including my GP have told me I've lost weight and I'm about to drop a size in jeans. Its a shame because my favourites are about to become the whoopy trousers as we say in this house! So I'll have to look for the next size down. Dear Boden please send me a new pair please!

Loshen Hora and Mr Gervais.

2011-10-28T22:23:00.001Z

Judaism has an idea called Loshen Hora, or The evil tongue. Speech is considered to be lashon hara "evil tongue" if it says something negative about a person or party, is not previously known to the public, or is not seriously intended to correct or improve a negative situation, I guess we would also call it gossip. Judaism recognises the strength of words and also most of us are very bad at speaking before we think. While I write this blog I try to think about how I construct the words, to convey my true meaning. to make sure I don't confuse or offend, I'm aware of how it all works, especially in the world we live in today. It has always been that the tyrants of the world have controlled free speech, in recent times we have had Goebbels, Hitler's minister of propaganda promoting the burning of books and more recently the global use of Twitter to spread ideas within minutes, we all know, you and me, words count and words are power. So when a comedian such as Ricky Gervais uses inappropriate words in his routine, should we be upset, or just say he is joking, it means nothing, its a laugh? Mr Gervais himself claims we are too PC, he didn't mean anything offensive , the world is just over sensitive. Really? Do we believe him? Do we really think a 'comic genius' doesn't know the power of words he chooses to use? Is he just being funny? I know what I think that's for sure, and I for one do know the power of the language I use.

Dreams and Fears.

2011-10-28T22:06:00.000Z

Although the outer me is confident and well spoken and all these things there are times the inner me gives it all away, even if its just to myself. My dreams are the usual source of anxiety where I float most of the time serenely through them without actually having to move. Last night however was an odd one whereby I seemed to be desperate to go on some kind of long distance hike. At the crucial moment my chair suffered a malfunction and the lady from wheelchair services refused to mend it for me. At which point I sobbed though the rest of dream. Dreams tend to bring out your worst fears and insecurities and this must obviously be one of mine. Big time!

The Miracle of Downton.

2011-10-28T21:56:00.002Z

And so anyone who has watched the Sunday evening historical soap that is Downton Abbey will have seen the everso lovely Mathew return from war with spinal damage. Oooer Mrs there will be no heirs, in fact no anything according to the local GP cum army Dr......Horrified look from the Earl, no heir, well that's the end of everything then. Mathew it would seem is condemned to a life of sitting tucked up with a tartan blanket in his wicker chair, to gaze wistfully across the lawns of Downton, becoming bitter at his lost life. Meanwhile Lady Mary will profess her undying love and the viewers hope for at least a minor miracle. Wait theres a twinge, I feel it coming on right now...!

Of course Downton is a slightly bonkers if compelling fictional drama with an unfathomable timeline, but afterwards I was left pondering about what had happened to all those disabled soldiers who returned during and after WW1 with frankly grizzly injuries. The country must have suddenly had to deal with thousands of blind, deaf, disfigured, paralyzed or limbless young men, so what happened to them all? Most received a small pension from the Govt and a thank you, and that was it, and remember you still had to pay to see a Dr as the NHS was another 30 years away. I did a bit of a google search to try to find some info and surprisingly there seem to be little about apart from odd snippets. Very few were able to return to a life of earning and looking after their family and it would seems a lot had to resort to selling trench souvenirs on the street, begging and I guess many many just sat in their homes unwilling or unable to leave it. Its a recent history that has either been quickly forgotten or was never even documented sadly. I shall have to dig further.

Standing Frames

2011-10-09T14:03:00.001Z

I have really bad Achilles tendon pain, which Ive endured for weeks. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday who having broken his neck 40 years ago has a bit more experience than I do with this sort of thing. Honestly the pain is miserable and making me feel tired and irritable. The only respite I'm getting is actually sitting in bed with my feet up, I'm not sure why this helps but it is very impractical. Anyway my friend suggested a standing frame which does exactly what it says, It has you standing up which is useful, helps with stuff like bone integrity and blood pressure and also is really good for stretching out tendons. Its a great idea, I could do with one I suppose but the trouble with any of this stuff is it takes a shed load of space. Literally you need a shed to store it all in and it takes up half the living room which doesn't add to family life. I really should try one out I guess, but where we should put it I have no idea!

Can I be the Biggest Loser?

2011-10-08T12:41:00.000Z

Its no good, Ive decided to diet. Actually I don't like the whole diet psychological thing. The more you cant have something, the more you want it. So lets say Ive decided I need to lose some weight. I'm not telling you how much I weigh but I have a fairly good idea as I haven't put anything on for years, in fact I did actually lose a bit of weight with each pregnancy but its never progressed further and it should. If I look at a weight chart I'm at the top end of healthy, so given my condition I really should be at the bottom as it would make life easier, even with those day to day activities such as transfers. In and out the car 10 times a day puts a strain on shoulders and I feel it now. The main problem with weight loss is I cant really do any cardiovascular exercise and Ive worked out my calorific intake is only about 1800 calories most days anyway which is already slightly less than the suggested 2000 for a woman. So unlike the people on Fat Families or Biggest Loser, I don't have much to work with. Ive decided to start with cutting my fat intake, especially butter on sandwiches and crackers, biscuits, full fat milk, and carbs such as potatoes. All of these are pretty easy to get rid of as they are essentially empty calories. My aim is to lose a pound a month, is that an achievable goal do you think or should I aim for more? Not sure so I will see how it goes by the end of the month. I shall report back!

Overnighters

2011-10-08T11:16:00.001Z

The last time I stayed overnight with a friend was I think 4 years ago. They live in a nice house in Bath on a hill so from the moment we arrived it was hard work. I needed help up the path and then 2 men had to lift me up the front step as it was too high to bounce up. The door was so narrow I just about scraped in, and they had to remove a whole bookcase and shoe rack from their hallway so I could get in. At least the loo was downstairs, and I slept on the sofa. Of course their hospitality was wonderful because they are true friends, but honestly I so miss visiting people. I'm painfully aware how difficult it is, because most houses are not reality accessible. Id love to hop on a plane or train and just call someone and say can I come and stay for the weekend, but I don't. I don't want to impose myself or feel awkward and embarrassed. I know I would need some help at some time during the weekend and would need to be looked after in a strange country. I was once a person who travelled across Europe by train on my own when I was a student, but I don't have the independence or even quite the confidence I used to have what seems so many years ago. My wheelchair has taken that from me and I would be a fool to say otherwise. While there are people who travel the world and you hear these stories of them scaling the peaks of Nepal with a wheelchair, these are not solo travellers. Nearly all of them need a whole team of helpers.These days just taking a train to London is a huge challenge that I am frightened at overcoming and so my previous travels could be a lifetime away, they are 'another country'. I often feel very sad at the loss of the wider world and all those adventures waiting to be had but what I really miss is the opportunity to have opportunities and most of all I miss my friends that I now hold at a distance.

Touch screens, blessing or curse?

2011-10-05T22:29:00.000Z

Technology comes up with new things all the time. The latest gadget, improvement and must have usually it seems by Apple who are endlessly telling us about their new and wonderful everythings. I love most of them I have to admit and have been hinting that I would like a Kindle for ages now, but the one thing I find impossible to use is the touch screen facility, which is becoming inconvenient as they are starting to pop up everywhere. I know a lot of people with limited hand function find them fantastic, but I find them impossible as I also have limited feeling in my hands and so my problem seems to be no matter how much I try I cant find the 'button' space on the screen that I should be touching.

Last week in Waitrose I spent 10 minutes trying to get their scales to print out the number of bread rolls I was buying, No matter how many times I thought I was touching 2, I only got 1, and so eventually I had to meekly ask an assistant to do it for me, who then did it straight away. I curse at my satnav that it will not let me put in the right postcode no matter how often I try to touch the screen, and now there is the 'curse' of phones to deal with. Would I like to upgrade to a touch screen I keep being asked. No I like buttons I say. Touch screens are a bit of a torment for me, along with shirt buttons, small coins, and basically any small lightweight object. I also wrestle with packaging on daily basis but thats a whole new posting. So with each bit of new technology comes a blessing for some people and a curse for others! Remember, buttons are cool.

Orkney

2011-10-05T22:07:00.001Z

Having said that we did manage a great holiday in August which has been the highlight of the year. Id been looking for adventure and scenery and something child friendly, so decided on Orkney because, well why not. It was like a foreign holiday without the change of currency. There was an amazing overnight road trip followed by a an hours ferry and we were there. The boys adored it, I loved it, my husband thought it fantastic. We want to go again and again and again. Its the kind of place that Id be tempted to up sticks and move to if I wasn't already living in one of the best parts of the country.

Id been feeling both excitement and trepidation at visiting a new place. The ghost of accessibility hovers just above me most of the time and there is nothing worse than heading off somewhere new only to find that what is supposed to be a restful week is in fact an exercise in getting up and down steps. Most of Orkney is pretty good. Beaches are not accessible and you have to get up and down them on your backside. Its worth the effort if you can make it though as the sand is perfect for rolling in! All the historic sites are well maintained and easy to get to, apart from Maes Howe which isn't. Some of the buildings in Kirkwall, namely the fantastic St Magnus Cathedral and the town museum are limited in their access but I'm not complaining. After all the cathedral is nearly 1000 years old. Now that I have been once I have all the maps in my head so access will be a lot easier. Plans are for a trip next Easter maybe including Shetland as well. Now that will be an adventure!

Autumn report

2011-10-05T19:10:00.000Z

I'm back after a few months off. To be really honest the kids sort of suck up every minute of the day especially over the summer months, and so as well as not having the time or inclination to write Ive not actually done anything much of merit. My life has been an endless round of drop people off, pick them up, cook, clean and go food shopping, and thats been it over the summer. Nothing at all exciting but now that everyone is back in school I can breath again and start off where I left.

Pills

2011-05-27T09:26:00.000Z

Ive been ill since Christmas. There I have said it, ill. I have a real aversion to even suggesting I might be ill as it conjures up someone in bed with flu for 2 weeks, now that's ill, me, I'm just plodding along being quietly ill, no fuss please.

My ears have been really bothering me for about 6 months. They hurt but not like an ear infection, everything is really LOUD, Ive been sick and dizzy as well, its horrible and as a result Ive spent a lot of time lying down, getting nothing done. So I finally went to the Drs, and she thinks I have Meniere's, a condition of the inner ear. We also discussed everything else, and Ive come away armed with boxes and boxes of tablets. Ive gone from someone who takes nothing to some sort of rattling pill box. We have on the prescription today......

Gabapentin for pain
Trimethoprim for Uti
Propanolol for migraine
Cinnarizine for balance

So overnight Ive gone from someone who takes a couple of tablets a day to taking a grand total of 10 a day, and I guess this is a sign of things to come isn't it?

The Funeral

2011-05-26T12:54:00.001Z

I last saw my dads family when I was about 10. This was thanks to my parents divorce and just how this time went by I don't know, but it did. Funerals are pretty odd occasions at the best of time, but this one was straight out a film. Although my Dads death came as a total shock to me, I had to drop in my wheelchair accessory to my unsuspecting relatives. Its hard and I hate it, you'd think Id be used to it by now but Im not. Id spoken to my aunt about the arrangements and promised in a moment of madness to come in the funeral car with her. Later that evening the light bulb pinged in my head and I realised I wouldn't be able to get in or out the car, so it was a hopeless non starter. Eventually I decided to drop her a note explaining we would meet them there as I would find the car difficult as I didnt want to be chaseing her via call minder for days. Times like this I just want to bang, bang, bang, my head against the wall to be honest.

The funeral was brief and to the point, my dad was rather a minimalist and wanted no fuss. The turn out excellent and I was greeted like the long lost family member I was.

Come and sit at the front, said my cousin. Sweet of him but I declined because there is nothing worse than rolling to the front with everyones eyes drilling into the back of your head. Theres always more room at the back anyway. One of my uncles appeared to be mortified when he met me. Oh what happened to you he asked in a high squeaky shocked voice, are you getting good treatment and I hope you get better soon he said. I smiled, told him I was getting excellent tratement and thanked him because I was feeling bad that he was feeling so bad. I wanted to reassure him. Funny isn't it?

So I am now reacquainted with my family and wonder why it took a lifetime. I remember them all and funnily enough they all seemed to be as I recall them, only we are all grown up. All older and some wiser as well. Perhaps it can be the start of new relationships, I'd like to think so anyway.

Death in the family

2011-05-23T15:06:00.000Z

My dad died over Easter, he was 80 and had been ill since Christmas but wouldn't let anyone tell me so i didn't know. The first thing I knew of it was when my aunt phoned to say he was dead. I was cross with him because he didn't give me a chance to say the things I wanted to, but perhaps he didn't need to hear them, he probably knew already. His main motive was that he thought I had enough to cope with and on reflection he was probably right. If I had known I would have been visiting as much as possible but that would have been a 600 mile round trip, he knew it would be hard going on me I suppose, and decided not to have me go through it. Also when you know someone has limited time, life becomes hard and edgy as you wait for the dreaded phone call, perhaps death is generally harder for that. My mum says its not about the dying, but its the leaving of everyone you know and love so much and I know shes right because I look at my children and know leaving is the hardest thing any of us will do. So maybe it was easier for him to go this way. No goodbye's or sad farewells, no emotional outbursts, no tears, just an Au revoir and see you later.

Every Eight Hours......

2011-05-17T22:25:00.002Z

May 20th sees Spinal Cord Injury Awareness day, so Im sharing this useful website set up to tell you some of the things I already havent....perhaps. Every 8 hours someone gets an injury, be it from driving like a maniac, getting into a friday night pub fight or just slipping down the stairs going to make tea. It can be violent or innocuous, but it will have an effect on everyones lives forever. Please take a look and support it if you feel like it. You can even get your very own Twibbon!
http://www.everyeighthours.com/about-spinal-cord-injury

The CG lock

2011-05-17T20:40:00.000Z

I have this wonderful little gadget that I use when driving. Its called a CG lock, costs about £40 and attaches to my seat belt in 5 minutes. Its a wonderful piece of kit that works by securing the lap part of your seat belt across your pelvis so you cant move. It basically anchors your bum to the back of your seat and stops that horrible slip forward you get when driving. Next time you are out, see if you can slip your hand between your bum and the back of the seat. you know what I mean. The CG lock was designed for performance in mind but for someone like me who finds it quite difficult to sit upright for a while without extra help the CG lock is a fantastic piece of equipment, meaning I can drive for a lot longer that I would have otherwise. Id really recommend them to anyone who does those extra miles. buy one becasue you wont regret it.

Spasms, never a girls best friend.

2011-05-14T12:56:00.000Z

For the last few months Ive been waking up the awful back spasms. Misconceptions are that once you have a spinal injury you feel nothing, if only it were true. Essentially its like having a horrible neurological short circuit with sparks flying round your body. The trouble is the sparks all end up in the wrong place, causing all kinds of difficulties. Some people are just tortured by spasms all over their body, its painful and there is no respite for them. Life becomes an exercise in strapping bits down so you don't just fly off somewhere., \Ive been fortunate enough not to really suffer this until recently, now i have this utterly painful back arching spasm most mornings. Honestly I feel like I'm about to snap clean in too, and I guess it lasts 5 or 10 minutes. I'm really thinking I need to head off for a major medical overhaul, the troubles is that with small boys time is never my friend, certainly not at the moment, but with half term only a few weeks away I could probably fit it in then. Just need to hold on til then.

2011-05-14T12:09:00.001Z

To be honest the last few months have seen me forever chasing my tail in efforts to keep up with the demands of life. The kids were ill, now they are all off to different schools at different times, meaning I'm doing an endless taxi service throughout the day. My dad died unexpectedly, and so Ive spent quite a bit of time tooing and froing from the midlands. My husband is working more, I'm home alone more and life is sort of taking its toll a bit on me. By the time 9pm comes round I just want to skulk off to bed. Adding to that, Ive been suffering a bit since Christmas and yes I know I should go to the Dr but its all time, time, time. There are not enough hours in the day.

Accidents happen.......quite often

2011-03-22T22:29:00.000Z

I just had an accident in the kitchen, sometimes its funny and I laugh and sometimes its really not. Tonight in the space of 30 seconds I threw a jug on the floor followed by a pan of cold baked beans which went with such force there were beans on the ceiling. Note the word threw. I never just drop them, these things are flung. Actually I don't really know how I do it. I suspect that because I have a lot of tendon trouble with my arm and a lack of feeling in my fingers, its quite an effort to pick things up, so I end up using a lot of force to fling stuff here and there. The trouble is that this is a haphazard technique that often doesn't work. So tonight I found myself with beans and milk in my hair and cursing myself. To make it even worse my husband told me off, as if I had done this deliberately and made me feel stupid. Tonight it doesn't seem funny one bit.

Dishwasher Death Disaster

2011-03-12T23:24:00.000Z

Our dishwasher is dead, it has indeed left this world and gone off to the great scrap heap in the sky. Considering it cost me £20, 3 years ago it doesnt owe us anything, but crikey its inconvenient. Washing up is almost impossible for me, I can rinse a couple of items through but I cant reach enough do a whole load so it means the kitchen is bedlam right now. We should have had the sink area lowered I suppose but with small boys around you can just imagine the fun to be had with easy turn taps so we decided against it. So I have been forced to buy a new dishwasher which like all these things you never budget for so its a big financial OUCH!

2011-03-12T22:59:00.003Z

I didnt realise its been weeks since I last posted, time flies when you are having fun as they say or in my case have 4 children. So as my mum says 'any news?' Hmmmm not really nothing to report is my preferred answer no news is generally good news . So you could say with blogging. In our case its true.

Getting a Grip

2011-02-05T23:23:00.001Z

Its no good, I have to admit it, the tendons in my right arm are well and truly f..cked if you don't mind me putting it like that. Ive know for a while as Ive struggler with bottles, jars, lifting heavy items, the kids etc etc. Ive branded the back of my hand this weekend with the bottom of a copper saucepan as I couldn't pick up without dropping it back again, and struggled with buttons, yes thats right buttons. Its almost time to admit to defeat I say as I wrestle with a packet of crisps before having to ask hubby to do the honours for me. Its all a bit pathetic. surveying the kitchen is like a scene from a care home. Ive got a kettle tipper as I cant even lift the kettle or fill it properly. I cant hold a knife to cut anything so don't give me a thick steak. I have to use 2 hands to drink tea. I need quite bit of help with fiddly things, with heavy things, my grip is poor and my hand hurts all the time. The tendons running from my elbow to wrist and into my fingers just don't work very well at all any more. I don't have much feeling in my fingers either which is a bugger and of course its my right hand which makes it all the more worse. I'm annoyed and frustrated, saddened and feel pathetic about it. Ive seen Drs and more Drs, they mostly go Hmmmmmmm, think about it and suggest cortisone. It doesn't work, Ive tried it, and although its successful for some people its been a while since its managed to have any effect on my arm at all. Ive had surgery suggested but no one thinks it will have any long term benefit either. Drs just feel they have to offer something. So now I'm using the heel of my hand a lot and getting used to a certain amount of left handed-ism. The problem is mostly about the fiddlyness of getting dressed, and the day to day running of the house which is proving problematic. Its hard using equipment when it hurts so much to use it, knives are a real challenge that I'm not sure there is a solution to. I'm just trying to make the best of it and there isn't much of that I can tell you.

The dangers of watching Peppa Pig!

2011-02-05T11:54:00.000Z

You know when someone says to you 'Ive done my back in'?I now know what they mean as Ive done my back in, as if I hadn't already done so.

I was sitting on the sofa, really doing nothing, (watching Peppa Pig actually), went to shift myself off and that was it. Agony I mean absolutely the worse thing ever. I couldn't move forward, backward, up or down, I was stuck and in tears. Thankfully my husband was home and was able to come and move me back on the sofa and ply me with painkillers. After half an hour I was able to move very gingerly. And so it remained for a week. So bloody painful I could hardly move. If you have kids, you know there is no time for being incapacitated, so I barely functioned for about 5 days through a haze of painkillers, deep breaths and gritted teeth. Half of me kept thinking I should see a Dr, the other half thought it would go away. To be honest if your body is really giving you all the 'something is wrong' signals you should heed it, but I'm the worst person at following my own advice. Eventually I decided to go to A and E. The choice is Carlisle or Hexham. Hexham is nearer but unless you have cut your finger they always send you to Newcastle which is 50 miles away. So I opted for Carlisle. On reflection it was a bad idea but I needed reassurance that it was only a trapped nerve or maybe a bulging disc. Got to the hospital and then waited and waited. Given my former history Id have thought Id have been seen fairly quickly. I know there are emergencies but honestly the number of people who sauntered straight in saying, 'Ive got a letter from my GP' was astounding. So I waited and waited and eventually had to leave without seeing anyone as I had to pick up child 1 from school. So maybe I should have seen my GP/ Then I could have got a letter as well. Who knows? I guess only an MRI will really show if its anything to be worried about. My back is better than it was, but it still feels very sore and tender, so I think its only a question of time before it happens again. Next time I'm calling an ambulance.

The Ten Pin Bowling Adventure

2011-01-15T18:23:00.000Z

Fantastically Hexham has a brand new purpose built ten pin bowling alley. With 8 lanes is wonderful , just what the town needed thats for sure. Just before Christmas I got a call, 'would you like to come and try it out?' I was asked? That meant free bowling. Of course I would love to go bowling, silly question really, Id go to the opening of a paper bag most of the time.Thinking about it I hadn't been bowling for ages certainly before we lived here, but Ive always had a eye for this sort of thing and considered myself to be proficient at least.

Let me say the facilities are great and Id suggest it to anyone in the area. Me? I turned out to be not so great at bowling these days. First of all I found the balls to be unbelievably heavy, even the kids one. My brain has played tricks on me as they never seemed to be so heavy before but I forget I was a bit more able back then. I tried bowling but found the best I could manage was a slow lob down the lane which then dribbled into the side gutter before vanishing, hitting precise nothing. Then I tried the special ball with a handle rather than finger holes for people with limited hand strength cos thats me. I was marginally better as I did manage to hit a couple of pins. It was still fairly pathetic to be honest, and after 45 minutes I overcame pride, gave in and tried the ramp thingy they have for pushing the ball down. While it made it easier to hit something its not really the same. To me it makes it a lot less than it should be, that buzz of bowling at top speed down the alley isn't there any more. Sadly Ive had to come to the conclusion that I don't have the hand strength or dexterity to do much in the way of ten pin bowing, I shall have to look for another pastime but the kids loved it!

Best Friends

2011-01-13T00:06:00.000Z

The world is a small place. Remember when you were growing up, how we couldn't even imagine the world of cyberspace, skype, e mail, iphone, wiki-everything? Its was something out of Star Trek or Dr Who. Now we take it for granted, and those friends you used to know have tracked you down on Facebook, sometimes its a blessing, sometimes its not. To be honest I don't have many friends, my husband tells me I must have a bit of a personality disorder, No I say I just like different people, I don't like shopping, I read and watch science fiction, I like mechanical things and I'm a land mine of facts, which is all a disadvantage for a woman! Looking at it that way he might have a point. No I just march to my own tune through life. Well what I wanted to mention here is that I have this friend who remains my friend after so many many years its frightening to think about it. We met at university and ended up sharing a house for 2 years. The funny thing is our lives have take a totally, and I really mean completely opposite paths. Yet through all these years, we have managed to keep in touch, write, phone, visit e mail and Facebook each other but time has marched on and we hadn't seen each other for some years. Too many.

Last summer he was in England, so I said OK I'm coming to have lunch with you. meet me and lets talk. I find these things hard, Ive mentioned it before, meeting up with old friends is like opening a wound, its painful for me and difficult. I give a fantastic impression of being so confident but its a bluff a lot of the time. I'm self conscious of myself, awkward and flap around a lot beforehand. I worry how I will be judged, pitied, humoured. Its happened to me really, its the people you usually expect more from, the ones you trusted most, they are the ones who avoid looking at you in the eye, the ones it hurts the most.

My friend turned out to be the same funny, nice intelligent thoughtful guy I shared a house with and most importantly he was kind without making me squirm in embarrassing. He didn't pry or avoid my eye, he didn't ask terrible questions or shy away from conversation, we were just old friends picking up after a while. He sat and talked rather than making me look up all the time, walked slowly so I could keep up and gave me a shove when I needed it. We shouldnt leave it so long next time.

The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Into the Great Beyond

2011-01-12T21:49:00.000Z

So anyway moving onwards and ever upwards I have earmarked this year as a year of at least a couple of adventures. January being a very miserable month, a month of grim weather and no money seems as good a time to plan ahead and snap up some bargains. So this years summer holiday is already booked, we are going to Orkney for a week. To be honest I might find it to be very inaccessible but sometimes you just have leap into the unknown. Regardless, I'm sure it will be a fun adventure.

Midsummer will on the other hand be spent in Helsinki, the exotic and rather mysterious Finnish capital city. I choose my destinations fairly at random, well basically I have my price and then just see where we can go for that. Having been to Paris many times and realising its not an easy destination, I thought, Helsinki, why not? Indeed why not, it will be interesting.

2011-01-11T15:15:00.000Z

New Year, New clothes, New haircut and some very New spectacles. The new improved me.

Itchy, itchy, OUCH

2011-01-11T15:08:00.000Z

For the last few months Ive had a problem with my hands and feet. It starts off with an 'un itchable' itch deep within my foot and then spreads to cover the whole of my feet and hands very quickly. Its unbelievably painful, a combination of itching/stinging/burning, its like grasping a large bunch of stinging nettles. It makes me roll about a thing possessed madly ripping at my hands and feet but of course to no effect. I know scratching isn't going to help but its something I have to do. It wakes me up at night and is proving to be very distressing. On top of th, last night I had the mother of all spasms, which was so intense it made me squeal and jump right out of my chair. I never get spasms like this, the most I ever get is a twitchy knee or foot, at most an irritation. My back is really painful today as a consequence. So my GP is sending me off to see a neurologist, to see if its caused by something or nothing. I'm not a fan of anyone who works in neurology or neurosurgery as they tend to treat everyone like a specimen, and seem to have no social skills whatsoever, even my GP agrees with me. So I await with bated breath, not.

So long 2010

2011-01-01T15:57:00.000Z

And so as I stand on the deck of the good ship 2011, I wave 2010 goodbye with gusto and think Bloody good riddance. Its been a hard year for me and lots of people I know. A relentless sort of trudge, trudge through life with no light at the end of the tunnel. Don t you sometimes think how exciting it would be if something unexpected happened, something really good? We all need out time and life and I'm ready for mine right now. You know, that time when you look back on your life and think Yes thats was the best time of all. Of course I'm one to take and make opportunities but sometimes they just fail to turn up. So it has been with 2010, a year of closed doors and no opportunities. But I have grand plans for 2011 and you will be the first to find out. So keep reading and I hope that 2011 brings every happiness for you.

I am Fat :(

2010-12-18T23:33:00.001Z

I am fat, or maybe it should read I am fat? I look at photos and cringe because unless I suddenly lose half my body weight I'm always going to look fat. Even though I know that pound for pound I am not considered fat , in fact I'm just about right I look wobbly. I haven't put any weight on for years, and I even lost weight with every pregnancy. But still I look it and crikey it does nothing for my self esteem whatsoever. Yes I know I have shoulders that Atlas himself would be proud of, a family member did actually comment that I was rather broad across the shoulders but thats probably not surprising as I spend all day lifting weights in the form of little boys. However I no longer have any muscle tone and its depressing. The flabby bits are muscley flabby bits not fat flabby bits, and even though I'm aware thats its a fairly common problem it doesn't make me any more cheerful about it. I still look fat, and actually when you are sat down all the time you look even fatter. I really need to do about 100 sit ups a day which when you consider I cant actually sit up from a lying position without a bit/lot of help thats not going to happen and although I don't consider myself to be particularly vain, I do suffer from quite painful self consciousness, which really isnt the same thing at all. I need a makeover, I really do.

Back for Good.

2010-12-18T21:56:00.001Z

Well after my self-imposed break of 6 months, I have decided to come back to this bit of my life. Although part of me has missed all this another bit has felt some relief. You know 2010 has been a hard year for me for many reasons, and I eventually took a blogging pause because I felt I had nothing to say anymore. It had all been covered, end of. My life has been a treadmill of washing, cooking and little bottoms. Every day seeming like Groundhog day. It seemed there was nothing else to talk about. So a break was a good thing. I feel I can now resume my little social commentary with the usual moans, groans and rants, along with a few pats on the back. I'm looking forward to 2011 with trepidation but I wont lie if I say I will be very happy to forget 2010. Its time to take a big breath and KBO.

Cant be Arsed

2010-06-14T15:50:00.000Z

So Ive taken a few months off from blogging to the world you may have notice, my reasons mostly amount to the fact I just couldn't be arsed with it. Of course the reasons are deeper than that and it wasn't just about me being a lazy bugger. No to be honest I haven't been overly well for the last few months and Ive simply taken every opportunity available to get a quick snooze in. The ailments seem disparate and endless, I'm sick of myself and tired of illness dwelling in my thoughts. I'm fed up with having to slightly justify to myself why I need to lie down even though the house seems to be in chaos and as I said before I just cant be arsed to do anything about it. Like a sinking ship I'm gazing all around but cant actually do anything to rectify the situation.

Since Christmas Ive been complaining to my husband 'my feet are killing me' and indeed they are as we finally discovered bilateral tumours in the arches of both my feet. These are fibrous in nature, the size of medium pebbles and press down into every shoe I wear. So yes my feet are bloody killing me and the sooner its all chopped out the better. However this is fairly radical surgery as it involves the removal of the plantar fascia muscle and surrounding debris, so the phrase you will never walk again rings true. If I could barely do it before I certainly wont be doing it with half of my soles missing.

Adding insult to injury Ive had a trapped nerve in my shoulder somewhere. While it sounds trivial Ive had pain running down into my elbows and hands , a combined tennis and golfers elbow syndrome and also running up into my jaw which is just murder. Am I gritting my teeth with a smile or clenching in agony? Either way its hard to say which is the most painful.

'Give me something that works' I beg my GP, my sleep has been ruined and it wears me away during the day. So now I'm taking a cocktail of pain killers including tramadol. Most unlike me, but it does give some relief, however the pain has pretty much turned me into the bad tempered bitch from hell. Pain does that, its so bloody endless, I'm going to spend the next 50 years dealing with it which isn't really a happy thought.

Leaving comments

2010-03-29T23:21:00.001Z

A friend informed me she couldnt leave a comment tonight so I've played about with the html a bit and hopefully its fixed. So please would you leave a comment if you can so I know! Thanks.

Abel on the Table

2010-03-29T23:04:00.004Z

Just to give you something to feast your eyes upon, here is a photo of one of my most handsome boys. Abel on the Table as he is known, is now 18 months, still not walking or talking and simply cant be bothered with the whole thing. What he does have though is a rapier smile and a sunshine filled personality. At 18 months he is fun to be with and I enjoy his company already. Just hope I can say the same at 18 years!

Golf or tennis anyone?

2010-03-29T19:57:00.006Z

I have Golfers Elbow. yes I know it sounds hilarious as someone who has never swung a club in my life I seem an unlikely candidate. Of course it could be Tennis Elbow but I think its been 20 years since I did any of that. Ive never had an intimate relationship with sport to be honest. Anyway back to my golfers elbow, I know its this because the pain which runs down my forearm and into the palm of my hand is on the inside of the elbow. Tennis elbow is on the outside. Basically its inflammation of the tendons, is very painful and I cant lift heavy objects. At the moment I'm having to use both hands to move a saucepan, and I suspect all that lifting of sick poorly boys has made it a lot worse. The treatment is rest, which seems highly unlikely, or pain killers. Looks like I shall be popping pills in the short term but it doesn't help much in the months to come. Dont even mention Cortisone!

Last man standing.

2010-03-21T23:57:00.000Z

We have been living at the house at 'Poo' corner for over 2 weeks now. I suspect the infamous Rota virus is the culprit. Everyone apart from me that is has had it. Poo here, Poo there, in fact there has been poo everywhere. I have changed what seems like a thousand disgusting nappies, dealt with endless screaming children and also plied my husband with loperamide. I am indeed worn out. Not just the relentless demands of pooey bottoms but the endless washing and the physical demands of bending down, and lifting everyone up. My back is horribly sore and painful and I have resorted to pain killers so you know ts bad.

Our 2 year old has been particularly unwell. despite seeing the same rubbishy Doctor twice I thin he has had the real swine flu. He has been very unwell, spending over week on the sofa with a bed snoozing his way through a week. He is normally the most lively and energetic of the 4. Only now is he looking better having lost weight and still looking like a ghost.

Of course its sods law that I shall probably succumb sometime in the middle of next week. At least I will get to spend some time in bed as I am indeed the last man standing at the moment!

Grumpy old woman

2010-03-09T23:52:00.002Z

Last week I went to a new dentist in Hexham. Its my 3rd in 5 years as the first one was awful, and the second one has inconsiderately retired. I have a big gripe with dentists in that they are still very inaccessible. If you think of your own dentist, the chances are they are in a Victorian house with steps everywhere and the waiting room at the top of a steep flight of stairs. Its taken me a while to track one down that actually has a downstairs room, or not have 3 steps into the building. Why do dentists think they can get away with it? Drives me bloody mad that in the 21st century you cant be guaranteed to be able to get in through the door of your chosen dentist, assuming you can find one in the first place. My other gripe about dentists in Hexham is that for some reason they are all on Battle Hill. thats right Hill. Why? So I managed to park as near as possible and then got as near as possible before I had to tackle the hill. The worst bit is the brow of the hill which until this point isn't too bad then suddenly it goes really steep, combined with the camber of the pavement makes it murder on the shoulders. I'm out of condition or maybe just getting old as I nearly didn't make it. Finally coming back some bastard parked over the only dropped kerb on the square. This meant in order to get back to the car I had to go down the middle of the road so I could get back on to the pavement. Dropped kerbs are there for a reason not that anyone thinks about it, but I was so effing furious I would have ripped off his wipers if I could have reached. And Ive got to have lots of dental work too.

Valentines Day

2010-02-14T22:31:00.000Z

means 'Love is all around'. Actually it means we are beaten and berated by the card and flower industries into guiltily sending them to those we are supposed to love all year round.

As you and I both know disabled people are these small alien creatures that don't have romantic relationships and certainly don't ever ever ever have sex. Like some sort of religious icon, disabled people are well, their own species. occasionally you might come across a married one, but they marry within their own kind. Remembering that they are in fact totally asexual anyway, because thats what happens when you have a disability, they never ever have children because that would be just unthinkable wouldn't it? Finally, although you think they are probably OK, you must make sure your son doesn't bring one home, because you just wouldn't know what to say to him or the neighbours.

Amazingly this is a summary of attitudes I continue to come across. On the one hand the majority seem to accept single sex relationships a lot more easily in 2010 but disabled romances still seem well, difficult. I had a man say 'God bless you' in Morrisons last week, I was carrying the baby, my husband steering the other one round in the trolley. I smiled becasue he meant well and I try to live my life in a Jewish way that doesn't make people feel bad even though I'm irritated to hell and back. Most people almost collapse when I say I have '4 of these' becasue its amazing enough for a disabled person to have 1 child right?

So it seems society still has a major problem with disabled people actually giving and receiving love. Its something I find impossible to understand why. Our capacity for love is what marks us out from every other species on the planet. Remember, its the last thing most people will ever say to loved ones. 'I love you forever and ever'. Even in the most tragic of circumstances its what we want to give and receive the most. Even disabled people.

The First and Only time!

2010-02-05T23:21:00.000Z

Well we have our new car. Its amazing and actually its a bus not a car. A red Mercedes, 8 seater, a real north London mitzvah tank. Apart from the problem of being higher than I realised, so I'm finding it very difficult to get in and out of, and also the hand brake is actually a foot hand brake, its great!!! The getting in and out I can practice, and I'm getting a special lever for the weird foot hand brake thingy!.

Anyway today I had an acute and serious episode of dim-witted-ism. Its really called 'being-very-tired-and-having-poor-judgment', we were nearly home and one of the farmers was doing some work on the road. Normally I would have waited but like a complete ninny I decided to go round him on the very wet grass. It was a very very bad mistake as I also wasn't really aware that it was as wet as it was, or that the van is actually big and heavy. So I got stuck. My husband was dieing a thousand deaths of embarrassment as he got out to tell the farmer we were stuck. I just did the dizzy woman thing, which was totally true on this occasion. Our local farmer swore a bit and then went off to get his chain. 10 minutes later he returned and pulled us out of the mud with his lovely vintage tractor. Doh!!! I suppose over the years this has never happened before and there is a first time for everything, I'm just going to make sure it was the only time. My husband had to retire to bed for an hour as he was so stressed , I just thought it was amusing in a rather dotty way!

Shoulders of a giant

2010-02-05T00:34:00.001Z

Yesterday I was wading through my enormous wardrobe full of clothes I no longer wear, but cant get round to throwing out. I have loads of stuff that generally are a really bad fit, Tops that are too long in the arm or too baggy round the stomach, but need to be a larger size because of my shoulders being bigger than average. I also have quite a few pairs of baggy trousers, coats I love but don't wear because the cut no longer really works for me, or v neck tops that become a bit too revealing when sitting down. So I went to put on a favourite jacket that I bought some years ago and was horrified to discover it no longer fits. I mean its a total catastrophe from my point of view, I feel Ive lost a friend. The jacket in question still fits perfectly apart from the shoulders. although I don't exactly pump iron I suppose I'm doing the equivalent by lifting babies and small children all day every day and I bet I'm doing at least 2 hours a day of gym weights at home with the boys as weights. The health visitor came and weighed the littlest today and hes now almost 12lb. So if I think about the number of times in a day he is up, down, up down, its not, surprising I'm a likely contender for body builder of 2010!

Save Us

2010-02-01T21:34:00.000Z

This week was my birthday, so I am another year wiser at least I would like to think. I also have the misfortune to have my birthday on Holocaust Remembrance Day, 27th January. And to be honest with you, it does actually put a slight damper on the day, it just doesn't feel quite so jolly as it should especially with endless stories on the TV and radio that require endless tissues.

As well as around 6 million Jews who were exterminated, let us not forget the other groups killed by the Nazis

7 million Soviet men woman and children
1 million Romany and Sinti
200000 + disabled people
250000 non Jewish Poles
10000 Homosexual
2000 Jehovah's Witnesses
1000's of Prisoners of War
1000's of Germans opposed to the Nazi regime

Of these, just over 1 million children were murdered.

In the 21st century its easy to ring our hands and say 'how could they?' but we all know that in our hearts lies the massive potential for evil, and very very few of us will ever protest about the ills of the world, its so easy to let someone else isn't it? In another time and another place I'm too aware as to what my fate would have been but like every mother my thoughts are not for myself but my family. Now I look at all my friends, all good solid wonderful people who I wholeheartedly trust and whose company I enjoy to the full. But every so often I find myself wondering who if any one of them would have saved my children? Would any of them taken just one of my sons? Sadly I find an answer to be unforthcoming.

Groundhog day

2010-01-25T01:03:00.000Z

I have been in a thoroughly bad mood for several days now, so please don't bother me at all. I think its mostly to do with almost total lack of sleep and overwhelming exhaustion. I fell asleep on the sofa last night about 8 pm and slept for about 12 hours. Its not like me, I can usually go on and on and on, but not anymore. Even I am at the end of the line and I feel as if my reserves are totally gone. Its probably the time of year, but I fret that my life is disappearing and Ive done none and I mean NONE of the things I wanted to do. and no prospects of doing so. maybe its the very fact that I feel that my life is one gloriously large hamster wheel, forever going round in the same direction makes me feel miserable. No hope for anything more interesting, no hope for all those things I so wanted. Every day is groundhog day, every day is groundhog day, everyday is ground hog day, every day is.......actually its next week isnt it!?

Snow. Jan. 2010.

2010-01-06T23:45:00.004Z

Photos taken yesterday of Shankfoot in the snow. We had another 4 inches last night so its not going anywhere fast soon.

Stranger in the night

2010-01-06T23:19:00.003Z

At 10.30 there was a sharp knock on the door which is almost unheard of in these part! Either it was the ghost of Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (we've only just got through all that) or it could be robbers come to tie us up and escape with all our worldly goods (far and few between). But no, it was a very very tall man called Richard who had come in his super 4x4 to look at our oil situation. It was he who had spoke to my mate Jeremy! 'Don't worry I'll be back in the morning with 200 litres for your tank' he said. We sighed a huge how-can-we-ever-thank-you sigh and toddled off to bed. True to his word he arrived at about 10 this morning and popped the oil in for us. Gratitude poured from us like water from a well. We were so, so, so, so grateful and I'm not overdoing it here. With temperatures down to -10 overnight it was getting very, very cold indeed and now we have enough oil to see us through another couple of weeks.

We all know that society has gone to hell in a handcart or so we are told, and that every stranger is just waiting to get one over on you, mug you, rob you and would cross to the other side of the road rather than help. Northumberland isn't like that, we have had so much help from neighbours in the last few days, and here is a man I had never met before, who came all the way from Carlisle with oil for us and would not accept any payment apart from the actual cost of the oil. He runs a breakdown recovery service in Cumbria so if you get a problem you might want to call Richard from County Recovery. http://www.lubester.co.uk/index.html

Me and Jeremy Vine

2010-01-05T22:16:00.010Z

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday I was tootling round the kitchen at lunch time once again feeding the Horde when Jeremy Vine announced, 'Call us if you've been affected by the snow', so I grabbed the phone and did just that. Actually I never for one minute thought anyone would pick up the other end. On occasions I have rung, its been far too busy for me. Anyway a very nice man called Andy answered and asked me about our situation. I explained that we were very very stuck and then he said I will put you on to Jeremy. So I told Jeremy our situation. 'Help' I cried 'we have no fuel left, its bloody freezing and we cant get out of our house, we are marooned with 4 small children.....' I should have but didn't also say I'm rolling around on ice in my wonderful RGK Performance chair but even this cant get through the snow and ice.( I need one of those of Beyond Boundaries ones I suppose.) My car is at my neighbours and there isnt a hope in hell of getting to it, letting alone driving anywhere.

Jeremy was concerned, of course he was worried for the children as I told my sorry story, but then we parted and said goodbye. 5 minutes later Andy called back, a man was offering to come and help us. A miracle had occurred and Radio 2 had spun their magic.

Later that day I was also interviewed by Look North our very regional news programme , who were obviously desperate for any plucky snow story, and then also called by the Hexham Courant who once again needed a comment. Well done the BBC, I had my 15 minutes of fame.

You too can listen to me once again courtesy of the BBC at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/shows/jeremy-vine/ about 40 minutes into the show.

Crap Isn't it?

2010-01-04T00:24:00.003Z

Lets be honest her for a minute. When you think about it, disability is crap isnt it, and by the time you have experienced it you know how crap it really is, I mean it's probably much crapper than you first thought. Why am I saying this? Well at the moment, this very second as I write, we have been trapped in the house for 6 days, and its likely to be another 6. I send my husband out to plod around in the thick ice that is everywhere and make crunchy footprints in the increasingly crunchy deep snow. Our car is parked on our neighbours drive and he walks over and gets lifts to town in their super 4x4. I peer out the window and curse, gone are the days when I think how lovely it is, all I can see is the ice and bloody hell its so thick hes tried breaking it up with a hammer. It takes a lot of banging I can tell you. There will be no shopping, no post and the boys wont have school as we cant get them there and the bus cant get to us. Its more than a tad inconvenient. Its horrendously cold and our boiler is almost out of fuel. No oil delivery for us though, the tanker can't make it.

So I feel that this disabled lark is all totally too much and at times like this I feel a bit low in spirits, Id like to take the dogs out for a long crisp walk, feel the crunch under my feet and my lungs protest at the cold. Wheels just dont do it no matter how you try, Im too paronoid about all the things that could happen. So wuss that I am, I stay inside and feel like Ive turned into my grandmother. Perhaps I should get a sledge for next year and throw caution or myself to the wind.

GoodBye Old Friend

2010-01-01T22:21:00.001Z

Over Christmas our dog died. Or rather I should say I made that decision after he was taken ill at the kennels. I knew it was coming, He was 14 and been with us since a pup. If you've had dogs you know some are just special. They have huge personalities that take over the house and its so quiet without him even though we still have the girls.

Goblin was a larger than life Beagle with a pink nose, pink ears and pink paws, who was untrainable, and a total menace. Goblin adored food, and he loved the children. His personality was terrific and he even had his own little fan club at the Vets. He was very well looked after by his friends at Capontree in Brampton and I know he had the best care possible, but I MISS HIM SO MUCH, he was MY dog.

The night he died he came to me in my dreams, I like to think he really did, he jumped up, wagged his tail and I cuddled and kissed his plush coat, and told him I loved him.

I still love all my dogs past and present, then stay with me forever and I hope one day they will be waiting for me and we will all take a long walk together once more.

Before Christmas

2010-01-01T22:11:00.003Z

What is it with the month of December? Its an endless stream of activity before the inevitable collapse, and I am such a bah humbug at the best of times it doesn't help. Going to my sons school play never puts me in the best of moods, its not that I mind the whole Christmas jamboree, OK I suppose I do, I am slightly conscious of the fact I seem to take up at least 3 places, block other peoples view and am pushed to sit at the front where everyone can see me. In a funny sort of way I'm more of a sit and hide at the back kind of person. On the 19th of December we had our first major snow fall, and as we live on a north facing slope unless we get a quick thaw, the snow turns to ice and we are stuck. Our large car broke down again and the breakdown bloke couldn't get to us because of the ice so its still broken. Bloody cars I know I shouldn't have sold the 4x4 as my husband keeps telling me but I found it pretty difficult to get into which is a bit inconvenient. With 6 of us and a 5 seater car it meant hubbie had to take the train to my mums, I drove with the boys telling everyone gravely we went stopping as frankly there is no way I could get me and them out at the Services. With 2 inches of ice outside I was able to slide the car down in the full knowledge there was no turning back. It was a pleasant Christmas but I'm not sure I will go next year, I'm getting too old to deal with the crap weather.

Christmas Shopping

2009-12-09T00:02:00.000Z

I know it and you know it, in fact the whole country knows it, but a recent Christmas shopping trip was only successful in emphasising the amount of blue badge abuse that goes on in Britain today. We were driving around our local multi storey car park, one of the few accessible places to park in town and could we find a place to park? No, of course not because every man, woman and dog were out using their friends and relatives blue badges so they could get the best parking spots. What the population at large dont understand is that people like me, and possibly You, need these spaces not becuse I need to be a few yards nearer to where Im going, I need the space to get out the car. Thats right, say it again slowly to these people, TO. GET. OUT. OF. THE CAR. Eventually we found an ‘un-disabled’ space and had to take it or risk another half an hour looking for a space. As we sat there, parked opposite the disabled spaces we watched several middle aged people come trotting up with bags and bags of presents, pop them in the car and then head off for another round of spending. I wonder how long they had been walking around, and if measured, how many miles they had walked. My husband was incandessant and wanted to confront everyone he saw, while I sat there because I couldnt get out the car on my own anyway. Life’s like that, it throws these things at you and most of the time I smile and take a big breath becasue Im thinking of my blood pressure. I managed to get out with some serious man handling from my husband, who has now decided hes going to plonk notes on every car he sees without a badge or with a suspect user. Of course all these blue badge users seem to think its a god given right to park where they want when they want. No one considers it a crime if their daughter or son uses it for the day, but that is just what it is a criminal offence. These are people who would be horrified at the thought of drink driving but see the blue badge as a perk, whereas those of us who truly need one would rather not have such a perk in the first place. Its about time badges being checked regularly, some prosecutions were made and a naming and shaming of those involved. Until people realise that their abuse and selfishness has a real impact on some of us, it will never change. Unless blue badges stop being issued to anyone with a dodgy knee, it will continue to be the ‘right’ of the over 60s. Its time to realise that these are given as a privilege to those who need it, not as a right to those who think they are owed something by the system.

Foot in mouth syndrome

2009-12-08T23:56:00.002Z

One of my friends ( and yes I'm talking about YOU, cos she reads this!) has been a bit unwell recently and as we chatted she said ' well I might end up in a wheelchair'. What did you say I shouted in a mock offended voice. She was mortified, and I wasn't at all offended, I never am, not really, only if someone if being intentionally unpleasant. Anyway she died a thousand deaths and then apologised rather a lot. Its OK though, honestly most people don't get offended and Ive heard far worse. Both a friend with SB and a blind friend both said they wouldn't know how they would manage if what had happened to me had happened to them. Now there's tact for you. Do they really mean this really and truly? Probably not, it just seems like a weird thing to say, but then we all do that sometimes don't we? And my friend is still one of the best I have.

A bit of me

2009-11-30T22:34:00.001Z

At the moment I feel as if Hexham hospital and our Doctors surgery is my 2nd and 3rd home. Since the baby arrived I have been on an endless treadmill of appointments for weither the baby or one of his brothers. It just seems tot go onforever and just as you get through one appointment another drops through the door. Its as if the medical proffession really want more than a bit of me at the moment. If it wasnt for my more than fantastic husband I would probably just stay in bed, pull the duvet over my head and shout 'go away......! Come to think of it that might not be a bad idea,

2009-11-17T17:12:00.002Z

Before I had the baby I was medication free, hardly anythng passed my lips in 9 months. 3 weeks on and Im now taking 2 types of antibiotics, an anti fungal, an antidepressant, and several different pain killers. Makes you wonder really doesnt it?

Walk on the wild side

2009-11-14T19:25:00.003Z

Its no good I thought to myself this morning today's the day for taking a walk around the house, and when I say walk that's just what i mean. I have had sitting in a cupboard a nice selection of ankle and leg braces or should I put it another way KAFOs, knee-ankle-foot orthoses that have been doing nothing for rather a long time. Once was the time that I was able to stand up, sit down, and take a slow amble from one side of the kitchen to another. Its not smooth, its not elegant and its certainly not easy but I did used to be able to do it and bloody useful it was too. But 3 years of babies has meant my balance has gone to hell in a handcart, and my legs ballooned to pregnant proportions over the 9 months. So any kind of walking became more and more difficult until I decided it was best forgotten. However Ive realised that a little teeny tiny bit of extra mobility is a god send with small kids and as my doctor said last week, 'you need to mobilise' so Saturday morning at home seemed like a good chance to brush everything down and give it a whirl.

Of course wrestling with the damn things reminded me just why I don't use them very often, unwieldy and uncomfortable it takes ages to get them on properly and also I have to be a contortionist as well. I also have deformed legs, OK not exactly deformed... but the orthotics guy at the hospital described them as inverted champagne bottles, meaning fat thighs and skinny calfs. I know Ive always had fat legs and they still are even now! However this means that fitting isn't great and I can tell you this to be the fact as I always get sore spots afterwards. But Ho hum onwards and upwards.

So I was in the middle of launching myself across the kitchen floor, its a good smooth surface where I'm not too likely to trip over and plenty of things to grab hold of when I spotted my friends husband at the door. With new found confidence I lunged for the door and managed to half open it, I guess it was a shock to him as I don't think hes seen me standing up before so he looked as though he'd seen a ghost and I was lurking behind the door smiling madly while holding onto the wall. Ah hello I shouted in an ever so jolly I'm not going to topple over manner, he looked and blinked and mumbled something and then made a hasty retreat from the slightly crazed woman swaying in the doorway,... or so it seemed to me. But what he doesn't know is that he was actually the first person to see me stand for some considerable time, and it was a bit of a milestone for me . I didnt fall over this time anyway and hopefully I will be able to at least build on this for the months to come. I know I cant do stairs and I'm not going to be running round the garden but just being able to stand up enough to reach those bloody high shelves is a wonderful thing when you haven't done it for about 3 years. I'm just hoping my friends husband has recovered from the shock!

Mastitis, a horrible thing.

2009-11-14T12:54:00.003Z

Last week I was ill, in fact I was so horribly ill it was touch and go as to whether I would have an overnight in hospital. This was all down to mastitis, which I have never had before and hope never to have again. with all the symptoms of flu I did for a while think I was going down with it, but after realising I had none of the respiratory problems got my husband to call the doctor. She arrived at 11pm on a Saturday night and started antibiotics straight away. I was so hot you could have cooked an egg on me and my head was about to explode it was so painful. By morning although the bed was wet with sweat I was looking better than I was. I'm still taking the antibiotics but am a lot better than I was a week ago. It made me realise how lucky was are to live in an age where a few pills can effect an almost instant cure whereas it would have probably carried me off a 100 years ago.

Elias Nobel

2009-11-09T17:26:00.003Z

And so after much moaning and grumbling over the last 9 months, Elias Nobel arrived at 8.30 on the 27th October weighing in at 7lb 9oz. It was from my point of view a speedy delivery, 3 and half hours at home with assistance from my 2 favourite local midwives who have looked after me through the last 3 pregnancies. It was wonderful and appropriate that they were able to see this one into the world. His name is Elias Nobel, both family names. Elias after my husbands gt grandfather who was killed in the bombing of Liverpool in May 1941, and Nobel after my grandfather and his father being Norwegian. So thats it I guess, family complete, we are not planning anymore...... but then we said that after the second one!

2009-09-04T15:44:00.002Z

I haven't been well you know, I mean that sounds pretty pathetic doesn't it, but its been true for most of August. I saw the midwife a few weeks ago and she did some blood tests. They came back all over the place. First I had to go for a fasting glucose test in Hexham, be there for 8am they said. I had endless amounts of blood taken, still have multi coloured bruises all over my arms, but fortunately the results came back OK. Then they found my Haemoglobin levels were getting down to the bottom of the normal range, so now I'm taking iron tablets to boost it a bit. I have a high white cell count which proves Ive been fighting an infection, and Ive had a UTI which means I'm taking antibiotics. The final thing is that my blood pressure is on the up, which is a bit worrying as i could find myself having to have bed rest, so the hospital has threatened. Hmmm Im not amused, but at least you know why I havent felt like blogging much over the last few weeks.

Woodhorn

2009-08-23T15:05:00.002Z

In a flurry of activity we decided to visit Woodhorn yesterday over by the Northumberland coast. Quick I shouted to the male members of the family, its NOT raining... And indeed I was right for it was dry for a whole day.

Woodhorn is a mining museum near Ashington. It opened a couple of years ago and Ive been trying to get there ever since. We got there and I realised that for once it actually looked promising. The whole area being more or less flat with tarmacked paths, this was more than I had hoped for.Its actually free to get in although you pay for parking. Inside theres are some great exhibitions loads of space for everyone to run round, a cafe doing light lunches and cakes, while outside you can visit a lot of the original buildings which have been made mostly accessible. There are further things to see plus you can stroll around the 60 acre country park. All in all we gave it more or less 10/10. Probably best to take your own lunch as the cafe gets expensive, other than that almost perfect!

Summer of Fun

2009-08-23T13:51:00.002Z

I haven't written much lately as Ive been ill. Once we got back from holiday I went down with the most horrible cold and cough.... probably swine flu of course which has left me with a cough of consumptive proportions. Naturally I haven't been sleeping because of it, Ive become incontinent as the baby bounces on top of my bladder and Ive had horrendous bouts of sciatica which have left me literally crying in the arms of my husband. The weather has been grim and my garden ruined and waterlogged. Add to that a stroppy, bored, rude and endlessly nagging 5 yr old who really wants to be at school and you will see August hasn't been the highlight of the year so far.

Until I can get some rest I will probably continue to feel a bit sorry for myself because I'm tired. Not just tired, I'm shattered, knackered, worn out, frazzled. You can tell just how tired I am as i fell over getting into the car last week. With these things I never know how it happens its just a 'whoops' and I find myself head first, kneeling on the tarmac with cut knees. At times like that I have a bit of a cry, feel really stupid, and then resent the fact I'm sitting there by myself when I want someone to rush up and console me. Sometimes life doesn't seem to be a great barrel of laughs even though I know its better than the alternative.

The End of it All

2009-08-07T21:43:00.002Z

Ive been thinking over the recent House of Lords ruling on suicide and what it means. Unlike the Daily Mail I don't believe it will suddenly make lots of old people or disabled people or anyone feeling a bit down fly off to Switzerland and get their friends and family to carry the luggage one way. No I think if you are so minded to kill yourself then you will do it or you wont do it. I have always thought I would cling on to life with my very last breath no matter what. My grandmother did, I know she didn't want to leave us because she kept telling my mother, but at the end she also said she could wait much longer. My other grandmother is still alive. I last saw her 6 years ago at her 90th birthday party. She was sprightly and active and delighted at the whole family gathering, she was also totally lucid and very nimble on her feet. Not long after that she fell and broke her hip so badly she never recovered. Her whole hip joint had deteriorated so much it had to be removed and as she no longer has a hip has been unable to walk. Basically that finished her off, and she rapidly declined into the world of senility. She is now 96 and lives in a home, she recognises no one and is pretty much unable to engage with any family member as she doesn't know who they are or has any idea where she is. I haven't been to see her for the reason that she wouldn't recognise me. Having said that she is still strong physically and her heart keeps going, I'm sure she will reach 100 . However I often think back to that party and wonder what she would have wanted for herself if she had seen into the future. Would she have wanted to be here at any cost or not? Obviously we cannot second guess her thoughts now, but as I think upon myself I am sure that if such a time came where I was unable to recognise my own children or husband then it would be better for all if they popped something into my tea, never to wake up. Its probably a horrible thing to think about too much but as Ive said before I don't worry about the dying, I do worry about the leaving but in that situation I would probably not realise what was lost.

Fat

2009-08-05T10:06:00.002Z

Suddenly in a course of a couple of weeks gone from being pregnant but not as you'd notice very much to being hugely fat and rather incapacitated. I suppose I should be glad Ive managed to keep reasonably presentable for this long. But what I hate the most apart from the swelling elephant legs, flipper feet, is that my face is looking puffy and unsightly. I have the look of someone who eats a family size pizza, 2 litres of Ben and Jerry's, every night and then finishes this off with a large box of Roses just to be sure. The funny thing is though I actually go off food every pregnancy and end up losing weight by the end. I know that this fatness is water which doesn't actually make it any better at the moment, but a week after the baby arrives I should be back wearing my usual clothes. As it is I'm running out of things to wear at the moment, which doesn't do a lot for the self esteem, but only a couple of months to go now so I just need to keep my head down and keep an eye on the calender.

Rude and Unpleasant

2009-08-04T10:18:00.003Z

Well our new kitchen is pretty much done. All we have to do when we get round to it is have some new flooring put down and do a bit of decorating and do some decorating. Not my main priorities right now though.

However I want to moan about the whole process. We had it done through a disabled improvement grant as the kitchen wasn't great and didn't look as if it had been touched in 30 years. My main issue was either everything was too high, or too low. In particular standard cookers are awful for reaching anything at the back, so my OT suggested that we apply for a grant. After about 6 months of tooing and froing, various designs it seemed it was all coming into place. That is until the man from the council stepped in. Now from the start I knew he was going to be trouble. As I did the very same job he was doing in the past I knew what to expect, good advice, empathy with the customer, getting a job well done, the best designs and courteous assistance. How wrong was I? This bloke was totally rude and unhelpful. He quibbled over every single penny and adaptation, like I didn't need it and was trying to get as much done as possible. Actually I was pretty much guided by my OT as to design and suggestions. This guy never bothered to communicate with us, only through 3rd parties. We only knew when the work was going to start/stop/start as the builders told us, because he didn't. Funding was given at the last possible minute with him quibbling over every penny to the last second. bits we removed from the original spec without any consultation with us or my OT. In short he couldn't be arsed with the whole thing, and frankly I think he either begrudged the whole process, telling me in the past a kitchen of 6 inches sq was considered adequate ( or some other small dimensions) or he viewed us as spongers on society who certainly didn't need or deserve a better kitchen. Make do and shut up. In short he had the worst attitude of a local government officer I have ever come across and that was with Northumberland County Council. The week after our kitchen was finished he retired. So I have no recourse to complain otherwise I would have wiped the floor with him. I only hope the person doing the job now is more approachable and friendly than he was. At the end of the day whatever you think of people you have a duty to give decent service. Most disabled people are not benefit scroungers living off the state, most people just want a decent quality of living and some hope in the morning when they get up. With any luck this guy will never become disabled himself or have a disabled partner, because if he does he will realise that the world is a very different place than the one he lives in now.

On Holiday

2009-08-04T09:52:00.004Z

We had a good holiday, visited some excellent places, Slimbridge, Westonbirt Arboretum, the American Museum, saw family and friends and generally chilled out. My one gripe is accommodation, while we had a great place to stay I always end up having to compromise a bit as its virtually impossible to find somewhere that's affordable, accessible and suitable for a family. The assumption for holiday places is that if you need something a bit more adapted then you are elderly and ravelling with maybe one or 2 companions. the chances of being young and have children are virtually impossible. Well that's the perception anyway. So we had a great bungalow with an 8 inch step that I either had to hurl myself over (carefully) or have my husband play the strongman. Once in it was pretty good. Personally although adaptations do cost money it doesn't have to be a fortune and if I wanted to get maximum money out of a holiday let Id want as many people to come as possible. It only takes a few really happy people to tell their friends that they've found somewhere really accessible and hey presto you are full of bookings. So anyway remember disabled people don't have families at all, they are all single, elderly and can stay in a hotel room..........

2009-07-22T22:24:00.002Z

It has to be said, pregnancy fries your brain. At the w/e I was chatting with a friend about age when she casually asked me how old I am, Older than you I replied and then told her. Only half an hour later on the way home I actually realised Id told her I was 2 years older than I really am. Surly this is a sign of the cerebral deterioration that happens in pregnancy. Normally though I realise I'm being daft even though I cant help it, on this occasion I didn't even blink when I told her, and the realisation only occurred later. I suppose its down to sleep deprivation, and hormones, not a sign of elderly dottiness just yet!

My Ar*e!

2009-07-19T12:23:00.003Z

.....as Jim Royle would say from that well known sitcom. Exactly, couldn't put it better myself because my arse is actually a real pain, Yes I'm a pain in the arse. I knew it would happen and while I don't get too many spasms as a rule, I knew once I hit the 6 months pregnant mark it was going to happen. And it has. The last 2 nights has seen me writhing around in bed, awake, asleep, awake, asleep, awake etc. My backside is killing me. I go from laughing like a maniac as only I could get buttock spasms to squealing loudly because bloody hell, it hurts. This is turn sets of my left leg which then hurts even more. If you've ever jumped out of bed with cramp, then its just like this only in my backside which incidentally is the largest muscle in your body. Consequently I dont know if to sit, lie,sit or lie, whatever position Im in, my bum protests!

Kitchen Fever

2009-07-01T22:54:00.003Z

The last week has been mayhem! At last after months of planning our new kitchen started to take shape. Designed with me in mind its going to be terrific , the only problem being that while it was being done I was pretty much a prisoner in my own home or out of it. Either way I couldn't get out the house and if I did manage it no way was I going to get back in. The kitchen is our primary way into the house and while there is a back door its pretty much impossible with out several Sherpas to get me up the step or 2, over the grass, down a step and over the bump, and through the door. Not to be recommended. The team of builders responsible for installing the whole thing took over the whole garden, patio and kitchen, we were going stir crazy and the chances of negotiating through the mayhem and making it safely to the car were slim. lets just say that since Thursday this is the first quiet day and we are loving it. the kitchen has basically taken shape with all the units ow in place. We have been able to put the food back in and start living like normal people. The builder will be back on Monday but I'm hopeful the worst is over.

Driving mad!

2009-06-22T22:08:00.003Z

Image via Wikipedia

Any one who has followed this blog for a while might have realised that I change my car more often than most people change their socks. if I'm honest my excuse is that I like cars, a lot, and having certain needs these days means that I'm more fussy than I used to be. So I can now tell you that I have bought a ford Transit minibus, which might be excessive but given that we will soon be carrying 4 children 3 dogs 2 adults, a wheelchair and a double buggy, plus at any given time the possibility of a grandparent or 2 and you will see that space is of absolute importance! Ive spent that last few months dropping by various car dealers to inspect their 7 seater people carriers, and without exception that's all they do, carry people. There's no room for any type of luggage so that was the end of that.

I do my research thoroughly and after several reads of Honest Johns website and Parker's Used Car Guide decided the course of action. As luck would have it within a week or 2 ,up popped a suitable vehicle. Certainly its not particularly comfy, drives a bit like a tractor, is quite tatty inside but was previously owned by a Police Force. The boys love it, I dont have to worry about dirt, dog hair or food, it all brushes out, and there is bags of room. So if you see a red minibus heading your way, it might just be us!

Zemanta

2009-06-22T12:51:00.001Z

Ok here goes, Im trying out a new application from Zemanta, which is supposed to make the blog bigger, better, bolder, and brighter. And so on. So Im hoping for great things!

Tendon Problems

2009-06-17T22:30:00.002Z

Over the last couple of years I have had increasing problems with the Achilles tendons in my ankles. Despite regular stretching on a daily basis, exercises and physio, they are slowly getting tighter and tighter, more and more painful and causing me to have something called foot drop whereby I can no longer put my heels onto the footplate of my chair. In the long term i.e next year, something has got to be done about it if only as a form of pain relief. At the moment I'm at the point where I can't bear to have my feet touching the bed and have to have my legs propped up in the air to relieve the pressure on my tendons. Its actually quite unpleasant and various methods of pain relief haven't worked at all. I had a conversation with a surgeon a while back who offered me surgery. At the time I thought I knew best, 'Oh no not for me', Ive always been adamant but I'm getting to the point whereby the options might seem radical to you ,but should allow me some respite. So as it stands at this moment in time I could have my ankles fused, or my Achilles tendons chopped. Neither sound too appealing but I suppose from my point of view as Ive long given up hopes of walking Hadrians Wall its not such a bad thing. Still we shall see, but at the moment I'm going to have to put up with the pain for at least another 5 months. This I could do without.

Everyday things

2009-06-16T22:42:00.003Z

Every day I think to myself, 'I must find time to add something to the blog'. As usual I have loads if ideas buzzing round my head and think it would be such a good idea if I were to jot a few down. The day flies by, I'm an Uber busy mother unfortunately, the 2 yr old spends hours demanding my attention which can be trying even though its lovely at the same time. The 5 year old has turned into a stroppy teenager already. The dog is elderly and doddery, walks into everything constantly and then keeps woofing to go out. My washing is endless, I spend eternity wandering around supermarkets, for they are the only places I ever seem to visit these days. By the time midnight approaches, I have tidied up, my husband wandered off to bed, made the following days lunch box, let the dog out again, fed the baby , and finally sat down, to be honest my brain has gone into some kind of automatic sleep state. Yes, I must admit that with an average of 4 hours sleep I am utterly worn out. At the moment there seems no end to it, which in itself is rather depressing.

Doctors huh?

2009-06-11T21:18:00.003Z

I'm supposed to be having the next baby in Carlisle, assuming I get there in time that is! So last week I went for a scan and then to my surprise as no one had told me I had a follow up appt with the registrar. So she said the consultant wants to know what we can do to help you....? Hmm thats quite difficult as I'm on number 4 and so far they tend to pop out pretty quickly, but I did say, DON'T put me on my back... so you are OK on your side then she replied? NO, not at all ,its agony, just dont do it I said. What is it with doctors? I have had 3 totally uncomplicated births, infact its one of the few things I seem to be any good at, and the medical profession want you pinned onto a bed with your legs in the air. We all know that's the worst place to be so why do they do it? My guess is that its control thing, I mean no one wants a ward full of women wandering around in labour do they? Well maybe I could either have a water birth or maybe someone would for once give me an epidural? Main problem being that it might never wear off, which come to think of it might not be too bad a thing after all.

2009-06-07T22:07:00.002Z

And so after several weeks I am hopefully back to blogging normality. My hope for the rest of the year is to have a quiet life. Uneventful, even boring. Somehow I don't suspect that is going to happen. Every week my calender fills up with appointments and I don't know how. I mean they are usually people wanting to see me not the other way around. As it is I never get to go where I want to at the moment. Life is like that I suppose

Busy Busy

2009-05-26T13:01:00.002Z

Life has been soooooo hectic I haven't had chance to post anything for a few weeks. My husband is currently in Israel enjoying himself. I am at home alone with the boys. My mother is here but she is in bed with an attack of gout so I'm looking after her as well. Life isn't great this week, I am rushed 'off my feet' and haven't had a break for a week. Haven't actually got out the house since Friday either. Its been a really dull half term and I long for something exciting. I mean I could REALLY do with a holiday but this year that's not on the agenda, so I'm trying to be Pollyanna and being super cheerful. I don't feel it one jot. My husband returns Thursday morning, I shall be so glad to see him as absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Loos.... Yeughhhh!!!

2009-05-11T14:01:00.002Z

I had to, and I mean HAD TO use the disabled loo at ASDA last week and my goodness it was a disgusting experience. Now I'm not moaning at Asda, I'm having a go at the people who use the facilities. I want to know why people use disabled loos and then leave them in a really gross state??? Acceptable is it? Either they are full to overflowing, because hey, if you are disabled you cant possibly know how to use the flush, or they end up peeing all over the floor and I have to roll through it. Perhaps its able bodied people using them, who knows, Im past caring who the culprits are, just flush the bloody thing and leave it decent for the next person.

For some reason I don't recall ordinary ladies loos being quite as bad as this, so why do people do it with disabled loos? Are their own lavatories as vile at home? Somehow I think not. The offending loo in ASDA smelt so bad I almost thew up, the stench was overpowering. Why, why, why, leave it? As you can guess this makes me absolutely furious, if I ever ever came across anyone who left toilets like this, Id end up slapping them until they begged for mercy.

2009-05-11T13:57:00.002Z

Life is sort of quiet, so that may be a good thng, its the reason I havent blogged much. Its not that Im not busy, Im actually overflowing with domestic stuff, but nothing much is happening at the moment, life chugs on and I suppose thats something to be enjoyed.

Bah!

2009-05-04T16:01:00.002Z

April was a horrible month and that's the reason I haven't blogged much. We've had bill after bill, and everything that could break down has. Added to that severe financial crisis as expected money has not arrived and I'm just a tad stressed. My head of course tells me that it will all work out, and logically I know it well, but my heart is doing a screaming headless chicken act.

Mañana, mañana

2009-04-23T16:42:00.005Z

Sometimes I'm really hopeless as a cripple, I mean Ive been rolling round the house in my indoor chair for months and months with a flat tyre. Its not that I don't know how to change a tyre and mend a puncture, if I'm really honest I cant be bothered. Sure its a bit annoying at times, But I really cant get round to sitting on the floor and then spending endless time grappling with the wheel. getting the thing on is pretty straightforward as I have a wonderful gadget called the SpeedLever, it works every time, but getting the whole thing on is always a struggle no matter what. So you can see everyday I think to myself 'I must fix this, I'll do it tomorrow' only tomorrow hasn't come yet. Lazy aren't I?

An Announcement

2009-04-16T14:23:00.004Z

I haven't written much in the last few weeks because to be honest I haven't had much to say. Life has been pretty much endless bed, washing children, bed, washing, cooking, driving children and so on and so on. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it doesn't exactly make for great reading. Anyway I thought it was about time to make my BIG announcement. OK now are you sitting down.... because hey guess what Im pregnant!!!. Hmmm haven't we done all this before, isn't there at least a sense on deja vue perhaps? I admit rather sheepishly that if you look back to my beginning of the year posting, having a baby was definitely not on the schedule for 2009, only it is now. I know you must be wondering 'what were we thinking?' Our families certainly are, but as Ive found out over the years life never turns out how you expect. Ive learnt to take it all with a smile, embrace everything that comes my way and even look forward to it. So Hersh mini-minimus is due at the end of October and we are all looking forward to his/her arrival very much.

Not that Bad

2009-03-25T19:51:00.002Z

Just lately people have been saying a lot of things to me, well maybe I'm just remembering them more, but yesterday a friend said to me, 'Of course you never expected to end up in a wheelchair did you?' 'Not perhaps one of life's aspirations' I replied, but then I thought, actually its not that bad, not that bad at all. The way she said it was as if it was the worse thing she could ever ever think of happening, and I suppose I resent that a bit. I resent her thinking that my life must be terrible because a lot of the time, certainly in general day to day activities, I don't really give it much thought. Maybe she sees me as just the sum of the wheels or something like that. Of course I rant and moan about access, and still feel quite self conscious at times, but in the day to day business of real life I really don't think about it at all. I just felt rather annoyed that this was her perception, that my life is so bad, because that couldn't be further from the truth.

Push til you're muscle bound....

2009-03-17T23:32:00.003Z

....Well I have, and that's now a problem. I'm the first to admit Ive never been a size 10 but over the last few years Ive lost quite a bit of weight, dropped about 4 dress sizes, and don't eat very much at all. Pain is quite an appetite killer to be honest. Anyway someone I know (NOT a friend I might add!!) said to me recently, "Looks like you're getting quite a pair of shoulders there... ha ha".... Bloody Ha! Yes I know, I'm very conscious Of my Popeyesqe shoulders and bulging triceps, biceps and deltoids. Its become a problem in as much as I find women's blouses very difficult to wear, I mean I cant actually find many that fit anymore. Obviously given that I spend my days pushing myself about, plus I'm lifting children up and down and up and down for hours at a time, I'm probably doing the equivalent of several hours weight training a day. Its one of those things that makes you realise just how little control we have over our bodies sometimes. There seems to be no way I can avoid this and it doesn't exactly do a lot for the 'feminine' me. Now that someone has actually commented I feel even more aware of my 'fat' arms. Its one of those little remarks that is just niggling away under my skin. Thanks a lot for those words of reassurance that have done absolutely nothing for my self esteem.

A little Poise

2009-03-17T23:09:00.002Z

A friend of mine said recently, You know you handle all this with such aplomb. Good word huh? Aplomb.... I like it, and havent heard it used in an age. So I thought Id look it up just to check I understood the context in which he was using it....

Aplomb.

noun.
imperturbable self-possession, poise, or assurance.

Synonyms: composure, equanimity, imperturbability.

Well well, I like it even more, what a great use of a word. Thats me for sure, someone who does things with a certain style and yes hadnt you noticed my assurance composure and imperturbability? Ok well maybe not but I do like the fact that I give this impression, because actually Im sort of getting my head round the whole thing, lightening up and enjoying life, 'cos you know what, its too short not to isnt it

Shhhhhh, not a Sound.

2009-02-26T18:52:00.003Z

I have a scret that I rarely share with anyone, so guess what, todays your lucky day!

During my early childhood I suffered with endless ear infections, notched up multiple visits to various ENT specialists, and when I was 11 went profoundly deaf for a year. School was a nightmare as I was deaf, just started wearing glasses as well, and was fat and spotty as I entered puberty. So you could say perhaps not the best time of my life and also it may account for my hidden lack of confidence at times. Anyway thanks to surgery my hearing came back within a year and seemed to be back to normal.

Roll forward 10 years later and I asked my mother when she listened to silence could she really hear absolutely nothing, what was silence like? I asked this question because it had taken me the best part of a decade to realise that I have an irritating background noise in my head, but I thought that everyone had this! So I live my life with a constant shhhhhh sound and sometimes a high pitched squeal as well, which really is irritating. Most of the time the general hubbub of life means its not too intrusive, the worse time being in bed at midnight when all you can hear is a load of white noise. So you can imagine my total delight when 6 months ago my husband presented me with an MP3 player. To be honest it is a gift that is heaven sent as my sleeping is transformed. Now I nod off plugged into all sorts of music from classical to rock to folk, to swing. But No Opera! So whats the most played music on my Mp3 player.....?

The Turn of a Friendly Card Alan Parsons Project
All of my Heart ABC
Galadriel Annebjorg Lien
When All is Said and Done ABBA
The Water Lily Annebjorg Lien
Les Bobos Renaud
Water Music Handel
Get it right next time Gerry Rafferty
Great Balls of Fire Jerry Lee Lewis
Part of the Union Strawbs
Chocolat Original Soundtrack
Softly as I leave You Matt Monroe
Meet me on the Corner Lindisfarne
Daydream Believer The Monkees
Are you Ready for Love? Elton John
Sweet Home Alabama Lynard Skynard
Sense Lightening Seeds
Parklife Blur
Dives and Lazerus Vaughan Williams
La Mer Charles Trenet

A fairly varied mix I would hope.

Belief

2009-02-24T20:56:00.003Z

I have a Friend who told me he believes in G-d because he chooses to. I thought this was interesting in that rather than have a sudden conversion he had studied it, thought about it and then made a rational positive choice to believe rather than not to. The reasons he gave me were numerous, but I was taken by the very act of a positive belief rather than a negative. Too often we hear I don't believe in.... I cant.... I wont.... its not too often we hear of a genuinely positive action. Its a bit like you only hear bad news stories from day to day, never the amazingly good stories that happen all over the world. I also think a positive choice is in fact a more difficult one. You actually have to work at keeping that choice going as opposed to a negative thought which requires little maintenance. Its with this thought that I too, try to make positive choices. My friends words struck such a chord in me I often catch myself using the vary phrase he did. I do try but I fear, often fail to be positive about my life and prospects, I make a choice to see some good in the world and yes I too make a positive choice about my personal beliefs. But its never easy, and anyone who tells you such is either lying or misguided, you really have to work day in day out to keep positivity going, the half full bucket could all to easily become half empty but if I have my way, not in my lifetime.

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.
William JamesUS Pragmatist philosopher & psychologist (1842 - 1910)

No Rod,No Staff and very little Comfort

2009-02-24T15:04:00.004Z

You know how it feels when you snuggle down and think Oooo thats soooooo comfy... lovely isn't it? So imagine a life of never being comfortable, and I mean never ever ever. That's my fate. Never again will I have that comfy cosiness on the sofa or in a big armchair, for destiny has decreed that I will at best always feel as if I'm sitting on a big bag of sharp stones. I spend every night fidgeting around the bed, legs up, down, pillow, extra pillows, on my front, back, side. No matter what position I'm in, I'm never ever comfortable. The same is true for sitting, although I have some great cushions, a gel one and an air one, again, I'm never quite comfy. I am infact sad to say it almost used to living with the discomfort of life. However sometimes, just occassionally, Id sell my soul to the devil just to have a nice cosy, comfy evening.

Not to have felt pain is not to have been human...

2009-02-24T12:12:00.003Z

...but I wouldnt mind living without it. Seriously my back is absolutely killing me and Ive had it for 3 days now and its starting to send me a bit bonkers as a result. Last night I felt too ill to feed the baby so my husband had to do it, and I didn't get up til about 10.30 this morning because I physically couldn't, and also Id slept so badly I feel shattered. I haven't had pain like this for ages, plus I spent the night sweating horribly even though its February and we don't have the heating on at night, so you sort of get the picture of my current state. This morning I succumbed and started foraging around for some really good pain killers, but to be honest Ive never found anything very effective. OK that's not quite true, my doctor gave me amytriptiline a couple of years ago which although primarily an antidepressant, is also really good for pain. However I would take one before bed at night, sleep really well and then be totally comatose the following morning. So I had to stop taking it as I couldn't really function half asleep despite having some decent pain management. From there onwards its been all downhill, and since I was pregnant in 2007/8 I got used to a life without medication, but after only 3 days of total misery I'm thinking of crawling back to my GP and begging for something to make me feel life is worth carrying on. To be truthful its rare I'm like this, I guess Ive developed pretty good pain strategies that usually work, but right now they don't and I'm feeling quite grumpy as a result.

Pontins

2009-02-23T23:26:00.005Z

No.Dont.even.think.about.going.there. I mean it was cheap and served the purpose but that's all I can say to be honest. As soon as we arrived I sniffed problems, 'park on the grass verge and go to reception we were told'. Hmmm I don't think so, disabled parking? No didn't have any as such, well it was miles away from anywhere which was a bit pointless. So I queued up only to be told that I had to go into the ballroom, where I got our key. We finally found to our 'chalet' after driving round in circles for 20 mins, the access was really rubbish. When I booked they said they didn't have any accessible places left ( probably dont have any truth be told)but said that by having a ground floor one that would be OK. Indeed it was, only they had forgotten about the 5 inch step and patio door rail to get over, plus the lack of any dropped kerb so I had to go over the wet grass every time I went in and out. Once inside there was no cot, and no electricity. Dan then trooped back to the reception to start the whole thing all over again, eventually lugging back the cot and carrying some electricity card. I mean they tell you nothing when you arrive. It took us 2 hours to sort this out, and then we found 2 of the 4 heaters weren't working so this time I went to report it. By 8pm a man was replacing them and apologising. Centerparcs it wasn't. The floor was sticky and the accommodation cold. Facilities were generally run down and access poor, the swimming pool was pretty much standing room only and the changing area hadn't had any money spent on it since 1973 by the look of it. Now actually I really didn't care, if I had paid full whack Id have been furious, but as it was I shrugged my shoulders and the boys were oblivious to it all. It was just a place to sleep in my mind. But no I can say in all honesty, wild horse would not drag me back again, it is and will always be my only experience of the British holiday camp!

Wychwood Park

2009-02-22T21:52:00.004Z

We are returned after a jolly good week generally speaking. So here goes, part 1 of the holiday report. As Somerset is about 300 miles away I decided to stay about halfway overnight in a hotel that I booked on the net near Crewe of all places. It looked nice and was near the motorway. The hotel in question was Wychwood Park, part of the De Vere chain, Although it looked pretty new, upon arrival I was informed that the lift was broken and my room had been moved down stairs. I also found the shower didn't work and there was no TV remote control. Frankly I didn't want to complain as I was more interested in sleeping well, and I did, it was very comfortable, nice and accessible and being Valentines day we actually got to have a meal without the boys for the first time in at least 5 years, maybe more! So I was happy. I was even happier when the following morning they chose not to charge me for the room because of the problems Id had. That was a really good gesture, excellent customer service and has ensured that we will chose to stay there again as a result. Wychwood Park, a very comfortable place to stay, and professional staff as well!

So long.........

2009-02-14T11:06:00.002Z

...and farewell, but not for long.... We are out and about touring the length of the country visiting friends and family until next w/e. Will be fun, but think of me over the week as I rack up another 1000 miles. Talk about carbon footprint, mine must be about the size of an Elephant! Catch you when Im back with lots of things to talk about, Im sure. Cheers and thanks for reading once again!

25 Random things about me

2009-02-09T00:27:00.002Z

A while back I was 'tagged' by a friend to reveal some random things. Well at the time I never got round to it, so better late than never heres 25 randomish things about me.....

1. Daffodils are my favourite flowers.
2. I did 5 years studying Dutch as a sideline at Uni.
3. I met my husband at a seder.
4. I have had dogs all my life.
5. I have only 3 points on my driving licence.
6. I have been arrested once.
7. I love eggs.
8. I cant bear opera.
9. I wanted to be a vet when I was growing up.
10. My grandfather played Rugby for Wales.
11. Im interested in everything ( well mostly)
12. I have no addictions, never did and cant think of any vices either!
13. I buy far too many shoes for what good it does me.
14. I am religiously unorthodox.
15. I am always right and my husband knows this apart from when Im wrong.
16. I love driving which is a good job.
17. I am too idealistic and get too upset at injustice.
18. I would like more children probably.
19. Im very shy really.
20. I was a fishmonger when I was at Uni, so Im good with a knife!
21. I am intolerant and beligerant at my worst.
22. At my best Im caring and witty.
23. Im very loyal and never forget a friendship.
24. T10.
25. My husband was and remains the only one for me.

all fairly random-ish

Bluff and Double Bluff

2009-02-08T18:49:00.002Z

Its no good Id better come clean, I'm a complete and utter charlatan! What you see is not what you get, well not what I get anyway. Let me explain. Anyone who knows me thinks I'm confident, forthright, intelligent, wonderful and marvelous, I know coz I'm told over and over again, but inside I'm dying a thousand deaths every time I have to do something that is vaguely public. My confidence is all but zero so I just go through pretending I'm this calm wonderful person while really hoping I'm going to vanish from sight. For some reason Ive become almost hypersensitive about myself, I'm super self conscious and my feeling of self worth is very low. And its starting to show. Since my first son was born Ive worked for about 10 months. Admittedly I wasn't always available for work but in that time since I've had no offers of work whatsoever. I get interviews, and I know I usually interview well, I'm educated, well spoken, articulate, and super conscientious and yet when it comes to the bit.... Please give a 10 minute talk on XYZ, Powerpoint is available.... I fall apart. That's it, interview over I have failed yet again. And yet I didn't used to be like this. I have exams in public speaking, chat to me and you would never think I'm such a disaster, but I start to stutter, I mumble, I forget my facts and I'm as boring as hell. I'm so conscious of myself its becoming an issue and I'm not sure how to overcome it. Its the staticness of it all that doesnt help, I'm just sitting and being dull. Movement during a talk is a great distraction and can also add a lot, its something I don't have and I really don't know how to go about injecting some fluidity into my presentations. Maybe I need counselling....seriously? Certainly I'm starting to dread applying for things because I know I'm going to have to give a talk, or maybe i should avoid it by selling myself short. I don't know, but it makes me feel sick even thinking about it, I feel so bloody stupid.

The Best Mirror

2009-02-07T00:10:00.004Z

Anyway the weather is chronic, I'm feeling slightly stressed and we are off to visit family next week in the south of England for a week. So today I finally decided to pick up the phone and ring a very good friend Ive neglected for, oh well, some time actually, much to my shame. I know its a terrible cliche but time does fly by, and I don't know where its gone. Actually Ive been eternally pregnant for the last 2 years so its not really surprising Ive been a bit dizzy headed. So our friend was absolutely thrilled to speak to me , he'd lost our phone number so it works both ways, but hey you know you have a friendship when you just pick up where you left off. We decided to meet up as they've only seen one of our 3 children and then I said, I, er, er, er, think we should, er, er, make it somewhere, er, fairly accessible as, er, well you know, I, er, can't actually walk anymore, er............. Whew, I thought, that wasn't too bad. Actually I think on reflection Ive been bad at staying in touch with a lot of friends for this very reason, as I, er, er, er, don't know what to say, er, so better to say nothing and ignore the whole thing. A bad idea, disloyal to old friends and not good for me spiritually.

'the best mirror is an old friend' - George Herbert

Cbeebies

2009-02-06T14:09:00.003Z

We are avid watchers of Cbeebies in our house, my favourite shows being Charlie and Lola, and The Koala Brothers, the one I really cant stand is Me Too! Anyway the Cbeebies presenters are a fixture in our lives and the children all feel they sort of know them in a familiar kind of way. So we were all flabbergasted when our 2 favourites, Chris and Pui, were replaced by 2 new presenters this week.... and no one told us it was going to happen. But people move on and they have new presenters, and you know what..... one of them has a disability! My husband was watching and shouted hey come and look at this, and yes there was a disabled person on Cbeebies much to my astonishment. Seems the new female presenter has the lower half of her right arm missing and actually makes no attempt to hide it either. My son was nonplussed about the whole thing, he actually find disability interesting but a normal part of life so didn't really see why we were pointing it out to him.

Sadly if you take a look at the Cbeebies message board, even in the 21st century, a lot of parents are not so pleased at the choice, one parent complains that they 'don't want their 3 year old seeing things like that', and another complains of the BBC being 'too PC.' Now let me just think a second, forgive me if I'm wrong, but we have black presenters, gay presenters, old and young presenters, presenters of all religions, Irish presenters, but scratch my head and funnily enough I cant think of a glut of obviously disabled people on TV. Unless its a specialist programme of someone being plucky and courageous then there doesn't seem to be a great disabled presence on the box. So is this the last taboo, do we still have a problem with disability and if so why?

When ideas fail, words come in very handy

2009-02-06T11:12:00.002Z

Over the past few days we've all been subjected to the Carole Thatcher 'G' word fiasco, as if there is nothing better to talk about in the world of course. But its got me thinking again about how we use language. Of course language is changing and evolving so to be honest I'm more concerned about the intent behind the words than the words per se. Over the last few years I have been called 'handicapped' more than a few times, which makes me shudder, had people shout loudly at me as if I have a hearing impediment, talk to my husband because really I'm half invisible, ask me extremely personal questions that I'm sure they don't throw into conversation with other people they meet, and so on and so on. Although Ive been irritated, bemused and amused, and rolled my eyes a lot of the time, I cant recall ever being offended. That's because if I did Id spend most of the week in a huff of some kind, but more importantly Ive never detected any malice in the way Ive been spoken to or about. Words do reinforce stereotypical thinking, ( I am not handicapped ok?) but with education and time we can hopefully change thinking. Its a generational thing as well, mostly strange comments come from older people, Id say over 70s, and this is shown by my mother who at 70 spends a lot of time pausing mid sentence as she tries to find the right word to describe a learning difficulty, I guess its changed a lot in her lifetime, but she has an awareness to stop and think of how she says things. So while its OK for me to say I'm feeling a bit er...cripply, its probably best if you didn't.

Stressing

2009-02-06T00:04:00.004Z

So time for a photo of us all in the snow. To be honest I look less than amused, have a savage haircut and am not wearing pj's, honestly. I don't mind snow, it did start off as lovely powdery stuff, but now its compacted into thick ice, and to be honest I'm in dire need of a sledge. I'm starting to stress over it big time. My husband in his usual manner tells me not too, after all he says he is much better at stressing for both of us, which yes I admit is very true. But my stress is real. Ive hardly been out all week, we are running out of food. No we wont starve but its going to get a bit boring. We are going away next w/e and the starter motor has packed up in the Shogun. I cant get into the garage until the snow clears. I need to go to the bank, and so on and so on. Yes I'm stressing, I'm stressing that I might fall which having done it soooo often I'm already anticipating that pain involved, so yes I'm feeling just a bit stressed right now. So please bear with me.

The Blame Game

2009-02-05T23:37:00.002Z

If only..... If only I had not......

How often do we hear that, or say it ourselves? When disability strikes do we blame ourselves or do we look to others, or maybe we just have to accept that some things are out of our control? Blame I think, is part of the grieving process, which psychologists identify as 5 distinct parts

Denial... 'OMG you cant be serious, this cant be happening to me.'
Anger...Verbally assault everyone around you, the closer they are the worse they get it.
Bargaining... the 'if onlys' and the 'please God I will do whatever you ask of me.'
Depression... Prozac or do you just want to talk about it?
Acceptance... Life goes on.

Crikey, now I write it down I can see Ive been somewhere along all those roads at some point and now for the most part am out the other side of it all. However sometimes the jabbing pointy finger comes out and then I'm very very angry. I still do get disproportionately angry sometimes, and I admit to anger issues for what seems to be no particular reason, perhaps that's just the way I'm wired. But one thing I have learned is not to do the blame game, I try never to blame an individual, Im angry at life, but life for the most part is no ones fault. We make the best choice we can with the information we have at the time. People do take risks and more often than not they come off. Its the occasion they don't, or we find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. Should we blame ourselves? I think not. Personally I tend to believe in Fate, destiny or whatever. No one knows whats round the corner, but if you can live life to the full without blame or unfullfillment it is I think the best you can hope for.

Social Care

2009-01-27T18:32:00.004Z

There was an interesting report today on the news about the lack of social care in the UK. In particular it fails the elderly over and over and over again. No government has ever put money into this, which IMHO is not only grossly negligent, and fails on the duty of care test, but also fails to for see the elderly population rising in the future but still, there will be no adequate care in place. So its OK to find the money to bail out the banks and the car industry and probably some others will come knocking, but provide a decent standard or care for people, Oh no we don't have the money for that do we?
Read the article in today's TimesOnline

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article5598415.ece

I have a care package, and although I like to think of it more in terms of assistance, its still care. We have someone come everyday and they get me up and the boys and help my husband because as I pointed out to my OT, a wonderful man he may be, but Superman he isn't quite yet, and I think the chances of him getting me, himself and 3 little ones ready for 8.30 day in, day out isn't going to happen. Once I'm up its OK, but I will raise my hand and admit I'm not exactly the speediest in the morning at the best of times. But wind me up, get me going and that's about all the help I really need, and bedtimes are pretty slow affairs in any case.

I'm lucky in so much as Northumberland has its social services linked to its NHS services so there seems to be joined up thinking and financially better use of the funding in general. It means there aren't about half a dozen little NHS trusts all after cash, just one big one, so they also have better buying power. It's also easier for my OT for instance, to speak to Wheelchair Services or sort out care, or help us fund a ramp etc. I may be deluded but surely it must be better and easier if everyone is in the loop when it comes to stuff like this rather than everyone holding onto their own piece of the pie? If I'm right, why is it so different in other parts of the country then, or perhaps Im just deluded?

Do you Twitter?

2009-01-26T22:36:00.002Z

Or for that matter Facebook or MySpace? Well it wasn't so long ago that I'd have laughed at anyone who might have suggested that Id be found lurking around these sites, but I put my hand up and say yes I am a Facebook addict. Although I can also be found on MySpace and Twitter, Facebook is my favourite, I never really got into Bebo. Social networking, I love it! Anyway am I so shallow as to have 600 'friends' Ive never heard of? Well actually no, I'm pretty proud of my friend count but they are all really friends, family or people I know one way or another. As we have people scattered all over the world, yes I do find it a handy way to keep up with everyone without having to do individual letters, cards or emails, and actually I like the way I can give a little snapshot of my day. Am I superficial, er well I don't think so, but you know what I'm desperate to get 100 friends...! So go on, don't think too hard, make me your friend, you know you want to!

You've got to laugh havent you?

2009-01-23T22:58:00.003Z

Given the circumstances, I find I end up laughing at absurd situations far more than I end up crying. Today I was in Hexham, and being Friday it was snooker and tea day. Id arrived in the car park at the same time as a friend as for once, I was on time. Now he is a tetra/quadriplegic since June 1966, and relates this with bitter relish and some humour as he recalls England winning the World Cup and he being a Glaswegian! Unfortunately as we rolled along he dropped his car keys and bag, so we both stopped and went to pick them up. I can tell you this isn't an easy task, for about a minute we rolled around the keys as if we were dancing around our handbags, during which time I was slowly, slowly, slowly, getting lower and lower to try and retrieve the keys. This has been quite a painful manoeuvre for me since my pregnancies and its just as difficult for him, for other reasons. After my initial failure I just thought 'this is so absurd', and burst into fits of giggles, he started laughing as well and for a couple of minutes we both sat laughing in the car park at this mad situation. OK maybe you had to be there to appreciate it, but I can say that my soul is healed by such laughter, the shared joke of a shared situation with a friend who understands why its so very funny.

A little bit of Surgery goes a long way

2009-01-22T21:03:00.002Z

So in the last 3 weeks Ive had 3 hospital appointments plus one for the baby. Every time I go, I sit and think how I really could be somewhere else, doing something much more productive with the time, but I also know that I do, in a grudging sort of way, realise I need to be there whether I like it or not. So Ive been having some urodynamics done, which if you want to look back on some of my earlier postings will see what its all about. Needless to say, without giving too much away nothing works as it should anymore which remains the bane of my life. So I have a new urologist who is a man.... now I don't mind male medics in the slightest, and have absolutely no shame whatsoever, but I had a good working relationship with the previous lady so I'm having to now re establish things with this one. But he seems pretty nice so there are no complaints. Anyway as I've waffled on and on without saying anything much, I have to admit to having to have bladder surgery, which is tentatively booked for May. While its not a major major op, its going to be enough to lay me up for a week as these sort of things are always unpleasant I guess. As you can imagine I'm not overly thrilled at the thought, but ho hum, I'm taking it well, I suppose. Mind you ask me in May and I wont be so calm will I?