Saturday, September 2
Pills, pills, pills
And so for some time now, I find myself taking a handful of pills every day. Pills for this, pills for that and of course a couple for the other as well. I don't know why I bother, they don't work, never have done, but I keep taking them in the hope they will some day. Every time I see a doctor I get something new, something they enthuse about, something stronger, something that doesn't work. Short of knocking me out permanently I don't think anything is truly going to relieve my discomfort in life. The last few days have been hard, I have a lot of pain at the moment. I've tried rationalising it, trying to see why and how it gets worse, but there seems to be little in the way of a pattern. Its worse sometimes because it just it. At the moment I cant sit without a lot of pain, cant lie on my back or sides, cant sit up either. No position really helps and some are definitely worse. I've taken all the pills I have and you know what? I feel no better. My back hurts like hell, my sides hurt, my groin feels like its being ripped apart and my right thigh has been twitching non stop for 2 days to the point I spend the days pushing down on my thigh just to stop it. The pain in my back is at the same time general and also very site specific. There is the general pain, but also a very sharp cold pain right on a couple of vertebrae. I can stick my fingers on the point that hurts so badly. But I'm tired, tired of all this, tired of living my life with such chronic pain, tired of talking about it. I feel every day is a fight to seem normal. Really I just want to stay in bed and be looked after, so you can tell I'm tired. Just Very Tired.