Saw the lady in half trick

Good grief Ive been chopped in half. Actually it really does seem like that. Its unpleasant and I don't think I will ever get used to feeling as if someone has swung a great sword through me and disconnected the bottom half. In reality that's exactly what has happened, and the 2 pieces of me sit here together  not talking to each other any more. the top half sways about like the top of a tower, atop the bottom bit of me which speaks to no one. Rather like a failed conjurers trick of sawing the lady in half, and  its strange as I know I'm there but it doesn't seem like me. I tell the kids are bashing my legs by the physical sings not by the tactile ones and its weird because I know what they are dong I fool myself into thinking I'm feeling them. Really its the memory of touch that stays in my head. A blind friend of mine tell mes she still has a bank of stored images in her head that she uses for reference so I suppose the brain puts the memory in place of the reality. 

Watch your Trunk.

Today I had to collect the car from Newcastle, and the nice people at Mercedes offered to pick me up. Great service from a lovely company I must say. Anyway I got into the car which was a fairly nice highish spec model and off we went. The driver explained to me that he had to collect a couple of other people in town, which was fine by me as I wasn't doing the driving. These are the kind of times that make me sometimes a bit more disabled than usual. My wheelchair is set in such a way that with a decent bucket I have to sit up straight. It would be fairly difficult to fall forwards for instance as my knees are considerably higher than normal. I use a CG lock on my car seat belt that firmly anchors my bot to the seat but as a passenger though I'm all over the place. With every turn of the car I was leaning as well. Left. right and left again, I clutched the seat in an effort to sit straight. Every time he stopped I lunged forward and at every acceleration I was pushed back into the car seat. This guy was a good and considerate driver, I wasn't being thrown about particularly it was just me lolling around all over the place. 

One of the things they try to teach you with any kind of spinal injury is core stability, Really its the art of sitting on a big ball which I have always been pretty poor at doing. Balance at the best of times was never my strong point. Think of me as the young girl who couldn't even stand on a skateboard without falling off and you get the idea. Anyway now at the worst of times my stability is a lot poorer than I realised. I suppose having babies makes you very unbalanced and Ive never been able to improve afterwards. In an ideal world I could do with some new and improved core stability physio, but finding the time to fit it in is a problem. Id better keep an eye on my trunk and keep practising as I can.

Tin openers

I need a new tin opener and I need one now. So far this year I have managed to wreck 4 different types, all of which assure you on the packaging they are 'easy to use'. I don't find them at all easy to use actually and because I cant grip them hard enough I end up using them at an odd angle which eventually causes the cutting blade to either snap or become unusably blunt. I have been thinking of getting an electric opener but have shied away so far as they seem big and bulky on the worktop, or I suspect the smaller ones are heavy as they take batteries. To be honest I try to use ring pull tins where possible these fays but even now they are not available in every item you want. So I'm open to suggestions. And as for hot water bottles, don't get me started on how hard they are!

Diet Update

An update on my diet. So far its been going well, I've managed 3 weeks without falling off the wagon. In that time I've succumbed to 4 biscuits, no chocolate or sweets, no butter and I've cut the carbs right down. Eaten a lot of Porridge, and Snackajacks and Ryvita are my New Best Friends. Ive managed to lose some weight, but have no idea how much, a few pounds I'm guessing as people, including my GP have told me I've lost weight and I'm about to drop a size in jeans. Its a shame because my favourites are about to become the whoopy trousers as we say in this house! So I'll have to look for the next size down. Dear Boden please send me a new pair please!

Loshen Hora and Mr Gervais.

Judaism has an idea called Loshen Hora, or The evil tongue. Speech is considered to be lashon hara "evil tongue" if it says something negative about a person or party, is not previously known to the public, or is not seriously intended to correct or improve a negative situation, I guess we would also call it gossip. Judaism recognises the strength of words and also most of us are very bad at speaking before we think. While I write this blog I try to think about how I construct the words, to convey my true meaning. to make sure I don't confuse or offend, I'm aware of how it all works, especially in the world we live in today. It has always been that the tyrants of the world have controlled free speech, in recent times we have had Goebbels, Hitler's minister of propaganda promoting the burning of books and more recently the global use of Twitter to spread ideas within minutes, we all know, you and me, words count and words are power. So when a comedian such as Ricky Gervais uses inappropriate words in his routine, should we be upset, or just say he is joking, it means nothing, its a laugh? Mr Gervais himself claims we are too PC, he didn't mean anything offensive , the world is just over sensitive. Really? Do we believe him? Do we really think a 'comic genius' doesn't know the power of words he chooses to use? Is he just being funny? I know what I think that's for sure, and I for one do know the power of the language I use.

Dreams and Fears.

Although the outer me is confident and well spoken and all these things there are times the inner me gives it all away, even if its just to myself. My dreams are the usual source of anxiety where I float most of the time serenely through them without actually having to move. Last night however was an odd one whereby I seemed to be desperate to go on some kind of long distance hike. At the crucial moment my chair suffered a malfunction and the lady from wheelchair services refused to mend it for me. At which point I sobbed though the rest of dream. Dreams tend to bring out your worst fears and insecurities and this must obviously be one of mine. Big time!

The Miracle of Downton.

And so anyone who has watched the Sunday evening historical soap that is Downton Abbey will have seen the everso lovely Mathew return from war with spinal damage. Oooer Mrs there will be no heirs, in fact no anything according to the local GP cum army Dr......Horrified look from the Earl, no heir, well that's the end of everything then. Mathew it would seem is condemned to a life of sitting tucked up with a tartan blanket in his wicker chair, to gaze wistfully across the lawns of Downton, becoming bitter at his lost life. Meanwhile Lady Mary will profess her undying love and the viewers hope for at least a minor miracle. Wait theres a twinge, I feel it coming on right now...!

Of course Downton is a slightly bonkers if compelling fictional drama with an unfathomable timeline, but afterwards I was left pondering about what had happened to all those disabled soldiers who returned during and after WW1 with frankly grizzly injuries. The country must have suddenly had to deal with thousands of blind, deaf, disfigured, paralyzed or limbless young men, so what happened to them all? Most received a small pension from the Govt and a thank you, and that was it, and remember you still had to pay to see a Dr as the NHS was another 30 years away. I did a bit of a google search to try to find some info and surprisingly there seem to be little about apart from odd snippets.  Very few were able to return to a life of earning and looking after their family and it would seems a lot had to resort to selling trench souvenirs on the street, begging and I guess many many just sat in their homes unwilling or unable to leave it. Its a recent history that has either been quickly forgotten or was never even documented sadly. I shall have to dig further. 

Standing Frames

I have really bad Achilles tendon pain, which Ive endured for weeks. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday who having broken his neck 40 years ago has a bit more experience than I do with this sort of thing. Honestly the pain is miserable and making me feel tired and irritable. The only respite I'm getting is actually sitting in bed with my feet up, I'm not sure why this helps but it is very impractical. Anyway my friend suggested a standing frame which does exactly what it says, It has you standing up which is useful, helps with stuff like bone integrity and blood pressure and also is really good for stretching out tendons. Its a great idea, I could do with one I suppose but the trouble with any of this stuff is it takes a shed load of space. Literally you need a shed to store it all in and it takes up half the living room which doesn't add to family life. I really should try one out I guess, but where we should put it I have no idea!

Can I be the Biggest Loser?

Its no good, Ive decided to diet. Actually I don't like the whole diet psychological thing. The more you cant have something, the more you want it. So lets say Ive decided I need to lose some weight. I'm not telling you how much I weigh but I have a fairly good idea as I haven't put anything on for years, in fact I did actually lose a bit of weight with each pregnancy but its never progressed further and it should. If I look at a weight chart I'm at the top end of healthy, so given my condition I really should be at the bottom as it would make life easier, even with those day to day activities such as transfers. In and out the car 10 times a day puts a strain on shoulders and I feel it now.  The main problem with weight loss is I cant really do any cardiovascular exercise and Ive worked out my calorific intake is only about 1800 calories most days anyway which is already slightly less than the suggested 2000 for a woman. So unlike the people on Fat Families or Biggest Loser, I don't have much to work with. Ive decided to start with cutting my fat intake, especially butter on sandwiches and crackers, biscuits, full fat milk, and carbs such as potatoes. All of these are pretty easy to get rid of as they are essentially empty calories. My aim is to lose a pound a month, is that an achievable goal do you think or should I aim for more? Not sure so I will see how it goes by the end of the month. I shall report back!

Overnighters

The last time I stayed overnight with a friend was I think 4 years ago. They live in a nice house in Bath on a hill so from the moment we arrived it was hard work. I needed help up the path and then 2 men had to lift me up the front step as it was too high to bounce up. The door was so narrow I just about scraped in, and they had to remove a whole bookcase and shoe rack from their hallway so I could get in. At least the loo was downstairs, and I slept on the sofa. Of course their hospitality was wonderful because they are true friends, but honestly I so miss visiting people. I'm painfully aware how difficult it is, because most houses are not reality accessible. Id love to hop on a plane or train and just call someone and say can I come and stay for the weekend, but I don't. I don't want to impose myself or feel awkward and embarrassed. I know I would need some help at some time during the weekend and would need to be looked after in a strange country. I was once a person who travelled across Europe by train on my own when I was a student, but I don't have the independence or even quite the confidence I used to have what seems so many years ago. My wheelchair has taken that from me and I would be a fool to say otherwise. While there are people who travel the world and you hear these stories of them scaling the peaks of Nepal with a wheelchair, these are not solo travellers. Nearly all of them need a whole team of helpers.These days just taking a train to London is a huge challenge that I am frightened at overcoming and so my previous travels could  be a lifetime away, they are 'another country'.  I often feel very sad at the loss of the wider world and all those adventures waiting to be had but what I really miss is the opportunity to have opportunities and most of all I miss my friends that I now hold at a distance.