Diet update 2

Well so far so good. I have now been on a diet for 4 months and have lost x amount of pounds. I don't know actually because  never weigh myself but I can report that I have definitely lost weight. My clothes are all hanging a bit better and a few pairs of trousers that were rather tight are much more comfortable. For me its a long haul as I'm not doing anything physical to burn off the extra calories. So I have given up what I call empty calories, The ones you just eat because they are around but serve no purpose. The odd biscuit, butter on my bread, cutting all the carbs out, banishing chocolate and alcohol. I'm very fat and carbohydrate aware these days. I'm used to it now and don't feel terribly deprived. It may take me a long time but it is working slowly so long may it continue, because I need to lose about a stone I suppose!

Stop the clocks, its 2012.

I haven't blogged for a while, just over 2 months to be honest. It was kind of deliberate, as I have been feeling a bit  low and didn't want to appear to be a moaning, whining, self pitying old sod, but I suppose I am, just a little bit. I am fed up, fed up with being disabled and unable to do stuff I used to. I feel like a shadow of myself which a fairly good description to anyone who used to know me. I look tired because I am. I don't sleep that well any more, and I have quite lot of pain. Its not terrible agonising pain but an endless, day in day out, background pain that never goes away. I have continued to have quite severe tendon problems in my right arm and my left isn't great either. I can now no longer brush my teeth, write my name, tear, chop, slice things. I cant lift anything including a mug of tea and to be blunt I can barely manage my own toilet needs anymore. Its fairly grim but I'm trying to keep cheerful. I suppose you could say I'm upbeat if fucking frustrated. I feel like I'm heading back to the early days when you have to learn everything again. This time I'm learning how not to do things I suppose. My fine motor skills may be fairly crap but at least I can drive. It uses a whole different set of muscles and the top half of your body, which I don't think you have ever thought about before. Unfortunately the treatment options are few. I can try resting my whole arm. it may or may not help but isn't going to happen. I could have steroid injections which again may or may not help pain, but wont improve function. That's a definite NO, or as My Dr suggested, we could try a tendon transfer operation. I'm going to have to think about that one for quite a long time. That's one of those things that if it works would be really great but if it went wrong would be catastrophic. 2012 may be an Olympic year for some but I'm planning a quite year ahead, and I'm not planning on making any decisions on that for a while yet.

Saw the lady in half trick

Good grief Ive been chopped in half. Actually it really does seem like that. Its unpleasant and I don't think I will ever get used to feeling as if someone has swung a great sword through me and disconnected the bottom half. In reality that's exactly what has happened, and the 2 pieces of me sit here together  not talking to each other any more. the top half sways about like the top of a tower, atop the bottom bit of me which speaks to no one. Rather like a failed conjurers trick of sawing the lady in half, and  its strange as I know I'm there but it doesn't seem like me. I tell the kids are bashing my legs by the physical sings not by the tactile ones and its weird because I know what they are dong I fool myself into thinking I'm feeling them. Really its the memory of touch that stays in my head. A blind friend of mine tell mes she still has a bank of stored images in her head that she uses for reference so I suppose the brain puts the memory in place of the reality. 

Watch your Trunk.

Today I had to collect the car from Newcastle, and the nice people at Mercedes offered to pick me up. Great service from a lovely company I must say. Anyway I got into the car which was a fairly nice highish spec model and off we went. The driver explained to me that he had to collect a couple of other people in town, which was fine by me as I wasn't doing the driving. These are the kind of times that make me sometimes a bit more disabled than usual. My wheelchair is set in such a way that with a decent bucket I have to sit up straight. It would be fairly difficult to fall forwards for instance as my knees are considerably higher than normal. I use a CG lock on my car seat belt that firmly anchors my bot to the seat but as a passenger though I'm all over the place. With every turn of the car I was leaning as well. Left. right and left again, I clutched the seat in an effort to sit straight. Every time he stopped I lunged forward and at every acceleration I was pushed back into the car seat. This guy was a good and considerate driver, I wasn't being thrown about particularly it was just me lolling around all over the place. 

One of the things they try to teach you with any kind of spinal injury is core stability, Really its the art of sitting on a big ball which I have always been pretty poor at doing. Balance at the best of times was never my strong point. Think of me as the young girl who couldn't even stand on a skateboard without falling off and you get the idea. Anyway now at the worst of times my stability is a lot poorer than I realised. I suppose having babies makes you very unbalanced and Ive never been able to improve afterwards. In an ideal world I could do with some new and improved core stability physio, but finding the time to fit it in is a problem. Id better keep an eye on my trunk and keep practising as I can.

Tin openers

I need a new tin opener and I need one now. So far this year I have managed to wreck 4 different types, all of which assure you on the packaging they are 'easy to use'. I don't find them at all easy to use actually and because I cant grip them hard enough I end up using them at an odd angle which eventually causes the cutting blade to either snap or become unusably blunt. I have been thinking of getting an electric opener but have shied away so far as they seem big and bulky on the worktop, or I suspect the smaller ones are heavy as they take batteries. To be honest I try to use ring pull tins where possible these fays but even now they are not available in every item you want. So I'm open to suggestions. And as for hot water bottles, don't get me started on how hard they are!

Diet Update

An update on my diet. So far its been going well, I've managed 3 weeks without falling off the wagon. In that time I've succumbed to 4 biscuits, no chocolate or sweets, no butter and I've cut the carbs right down. Eaten a lot of Porridge, and Snackajacks and Ryvita are my New Best Friends. Ive managed to lose some weight, but have no idea how much, a few pounds I'm guessing as people, including my GP have told me I've lost weight and I'm about to drop a size in jeans. Its a shame because my favourites are about to become the whoopy trousers as we say in this house! So I'll have to look for the next size down. Dear Boden please send me a new pair please!

Loshen Hora and Mr Gervais.

Judaism has an idea called Loshen Hora, or The evil tongue. Speech is considered to be lashon hara "evil tongue" if it says something negative about a person or party, is not previously known to the public, or is not seriously intended to correct or improve a negative situation, I guess we would also call it gossip. Judaism recognises the strength of words and also most of us are very bad at speaking before we think. While I write this blog I try to think about how I construct the words, to convey my true meaning. to make sure I don't confuse or offend, I'm aware of how it all works, especially in the world we live in today. It has always been that the tyrants of the world have controlled free speech, in recent times we have had Goebbels, Hitler's minister of propaganda promoting the burning of books and more recently the global use of Twitter to spread ideas within minutes, we all know, you and me, words count and words are power. So when a comedian such as Ricky Gervais uses inappropriate words in his routine, should we be upset, or just say he is joking, it means nothing, its a laugh? Mr Gervais himself claims we are too PC, he didn't mean anything offensive , the world is just over sensitive. Really? Do we believe him? Do we really think a 'comic genius' doesn't know the power of words he chooses to use? Is he just being funny? I know what I think that's for sure, and I for one do know the power of the language I use.

Dreams and Fears.

Although the outer me is confident and well spoken and all these things there are times the inner me gives it all away, even if its just to myself. My dreams are the usual source of anxiety where I float most of the time serenely through them without actually having to move. Last night however was an odd one whereby I seemed to be desperate to go on some kind of long distance hike. At the crucial moment my chair suffered a malfunction and the lady from wheelchair services refused to mend it for me. At which point I sobbed though the rest of dream. Dreams tend to bring out your worst fears and insecurities and this must obviously be one of mine. Big time!

The Miracle of Downton.

And so anyone who has watched the Sunday evening historical soap that is Downton Abbey will have seen the everso lovely Mathew return from war with spinal damage. Oooer Mrs there will be no heirs, in fact no anything according to the local GP cum army Dr......Horrified look from the Earl, no heir, well that's the end of everything then. Mathew it would seem is condemned to a life of sitting tucked up with a tartan blanket in his wicker chair, to gaze wistfully across the lawns of Downton, becoming bitter at his lost life. Meanwhile Lady Mary will profess her undying love and the viewers hope for at least a minor miracle. Wait theres a twinge, I feel it coming on right now...!

Of course Downton is a slightly bonkers if compelling fictional drama with an unfathomable timeline, but afterwards I was left pondering about what had happened to all those disabled soldiers who returned during and after WW1 with frankly grizzly injuries. The country must have suddenly had to deal with thousands of blind, deaf, disfigured, paralyzed or limbless young men, so what happened to them all? Most received a small pension from the Govt and a thank you, and that was it, and remember you still had to pay to see a Dr as the NHS was another 30 years away. I did a bit of a google search to try to find some info and surprisingly there seem to be little about apart from odd snippets.  Very few were able to return to a life of earning and looking after their family and it would seems a lot had to resort to selling trench souvenirs on the street, begging and I guess many many just sat in their homes unwilling or unable to leave it. Its a recent history that has either been quickly forgotten or was never even documented sadly. I shall have to dig further. 

Standing Frames

I have really bad Achilles tendon pain, which Ive endured for weeks. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday who having broken his neck 40 years ago has a bit more experience than I do with this sort of thing. Honestly the pain is miserable and making me feel tired and irritable. The only respite I'm getting is actually sitting in bed with my feet up, I'm not sure why this helps but it is very impractical. Anyway my friend suggested a standing frame which does exactly what it says, It has you standing up which is useful, helps with stuff like bone integrity and blood pressure and also is really good for stretching out tendons. Its a great idea, I could do with one I suppose but the trouble with any of this stuff is it takes a shed load of space. Literally you need a shed to store it all in and it takes up half the living room which doesn't add to family life. I really should try one out I guess, but where we should put it I have no idea!