DING DONG! What did you say?

Ive mentioned sometime ago in the dim and distant past that I have tinnitus. I have had it for years and didnt realise for a long time because I naturally assumed that everyone could hear what I was hearing, which is a loud squeal or ringing and a shhhhhhh-ing sound. Actually its hard to describe and I dont think anyone could really reproduce it. Anyway over the past year I have noticed that its been getting a lot worse and to put it bluntly Im going deaf with it. The main problem is that the tinnitus has turned itself up in volume which means I cant pick out other sounds. Loud high pitched noises are particularly trying as I can actually feel my eardrums vibrate and it causes me some discomfort. Crowds stop me from having any meaningful conversation as I cant pick out what you are saying to me as opposed to the person sitting 10 feet away. Basically I can hear a lot of noise and no detail in the sound. The good news for the time being anyway is that I can happily play music to myself and enjoy it, I just dont want to share it with lots of other people. 

Auld Acquaintances

2012 saw me meet up accidentally or otherwise with long lost friends or people who I have known in a professional capacity. In September I bumped into our former rabbi from 10 years ago who was the guest over the high holydays. She greeted us like the long lost friends that we were and then gestured to me in a what's-all-this-I-shall-make-light-of-it kind of way. I find times like this horribly uncomfortable because I can feel their anxiety and almost smell the sadness at seeing me there. Immediately I go into play it down mode. I feel bad that they are feeling even worse and really I shouldn't. I have a bit of a back problem, I say, yes that's right, shoot me now. I don't know why I do it, and after all this time I should stop. So I have resolved to be more honest from now on. Am I in denial I ask myself? Should I really be brutally honest? 'Oh I broke my neck and I'm paralysed from the chest down.... but I'm OK really...'  The trouble is, I am essentially always breaking bad news which isn't easy. Just when you think no more people from an old life can pop up, hey presto they appear on Facebook. I try to be kind but in the process I feel a bit like a fraud because I'm not being particularly truthful. But the truth hurts as they say and I don't want that. To be honest it is easier for me if people ask more direct questions, such as my husbands bestest ever friend from school and his wife.They are funny and I like them. She says how it is and I like that. So she says is the wheelchair permanent? Yes it is I answer. She nods and asks why. I tell her in a rambling way and as I'm going on a little voice in my head is saying shut the fuck up you are rambling. I ramble a  bit more and shut up. She seems happy with the answer and I feel relieved that I don't have to go into the whole medical history, not too much anyway. Resolution. Stop rambling in 2013.

Munchausens Syndrome...

.... is a real condition where an individual feigns illness. Typically someone has a long long history of hospital admissions. The difference between Hyperchondria and Munchausens is that people with Hyperchondria genuinely believe they are ill while those with Munchausens know they are not and seem to do it purely for attention. Well that seems to be gist of the Wikipedia definition anyway. So why have I decided this was an interesting thing to talk about, well, its possible, nay likely I have come across someone who would clinically be defined a having Munchausens.

Lets call him Mr X shall we? Mr X turned up at our club a few years ago in a wheelchair after an accident. I never found out the nature of it, but he did seem to me to be rather unusual. Over the months he had various operations, was hospitalised with swine flu, had another operation, then had meningitis which precipitated a miraculous  recovery of his legs and was able to walk out the hospital upon recovery. In fact his recovery was so total he was seen carrying a fridge, yes thats right, out of a well known store.  Now I learn that Mr X has had some sort of tumour removed from some place in his body. Or not as the case may be, who knows? Oh I forgot that his house was blown up in an explosion.

So maybe Mr X is the unluckiest person in the north or maybe just creative. I dont know. I suspect I am right to be at least incredulous, what do you think?

Pain in the Neck.

I have been moaning for months, nay years that my neck hurts me. I mean, it really hurts at times as if I have been hit on the back of the head. Actually come to think of it I have, but the medical profession is like a dog with a bone, and wont leave a particular symptom alone until there is no life left in it. You keep telling them your neck hurts but, Oh no they are far more interested in... your feet for instance! Despite my moaning and groaning and kvetching and complaining, no one has really taken a 2nd look. That is until I got a new GP this year. It sometimes takes a fresh pair of eyes as well as an enquiring mind to solve a problem. When I told him about this constant pain in the neck he asked when Id last had an MRI scan. Not for a few years actually as I had a bout of having babies which always makes medics run away.  He nodded and I could almost hear the clock ticking inside his head as he decided to send me for a new scan. Consequently I was referred to the local BUPA hospital 2 days later.

I actually dont mind MRI scans at all. I know a lot of people find them dreadful but Im able to relax, listen to the hum and doze off. A week later we discussed the results. Interestingly I have moderately significant damage to C5/6/7 vertebrae which I suppose is an oxymoron itself. Can something be moderate and significant at the same time? Thats medico speak for you. Explains my hand problems and general am weakness. Nothing to be done. My GP just nodded sagely and gave me a copy. Im nosey, I like to know, he knows I like to know, but I have no expectations. One for the file I think.

Crap Isn't it?

Lets be honest her for a minute. When you think about it, disability is crap isnt it, and by the time you have experienced it you know how crap it really is, I mean it's probably much crapper than you first thought. Why am I saying this? Well at the moment, this very second as I write, we have been trapped in the house for 6 days, and its likely to be another 6. I send my husband out to plod around in the thick ice that is everywhere and make crunchy footprints in the increasingly crunchy deep snow. Our car is parked on our neighbours drive and he walks over and gets lifts to town in their super 4x4. I peer out the window and curse, gone are the days when I think how lovely it is, all I can see is the ice and bloody hell its so thick hes tried breaking it up with a hammer. It takes a lot of banging I can tell you. There will be no shopping, no post and the boys wont have school as we cant get them there and the bus cant get to us. Its more than a tad inconvenient. Its horrendously cold and our boiler is almost out of fuel. No oil delivery for us though, the tanker can't make it.

So I feel that this disabled lark is all totally too much and at times like this I feel a bit low in spirits, Id like to take the dogs out for a long crisp walk, feel the crunch under my feet and my lungs protest at the cold. Wheels just dont do it no matter how you try, Im too paronoid about all the things that could happen. So wuss that I am, I stay inside and feel like Ive turned into my grandmother. Perhaps I should get a sledge for next year and throw caution or myself to the wind.

Mastitis, a horrible thing.

Last week I was ill, in fact I was so horribly ill it was touch and go as to whether I would have an overnight in hospital. This was all down to mastitis, which I have never had before and hope never to have again. with all the symptoms of flu I did for a while think I was going down with it, but after realising I had none of the respiratory problems got my husband to call the doctor. She arrived at 11pm on a Saturday night and started antibiotics straight away. I was so hot you could have cooked an egg on me and my head was about to explode it was so painful. By morning although the bed was wet with sweat I was looking better than I was. I'm still taking the antibiotics but am a lot better than I was a week ago. It made me realise how lucky was are to live in an age where a few pills can effect an almost instant cure whereas it would have probably carried me off a 100 years ago.

My Ar*e!

.....as Jim Royle would say from that well known sitcom. Exactly, couldn't put it better myself because my arse is actually a real pain, Yes I'm a pain in the arse. I knew it would happen and while I don't get too many spasms as a rule, I knew once I hit the 6 months pregnant mark it was going to happen. And it has. The last 2 nights has seen me writhing around in bed, awake, asleep, awake, asleep, awake etc. My backside is killing me. I go from laughing like a maniac as only I could get buttock spasms to squealing loudly because bloody hell, it hurts. This is turn sets of my left leg which then hurts even more. If you've ever jumped out of bed with cramp, then its just like this only in my backside which incidentally is the largest muscle in your body. Consequently I dont know if to sit, lie,sit or lie, whatever position Im in, my bum protests!