Tuesday, June 6

Into the Light.

For what is about the last 8 months now, I've felt as if I've been traveling through this dense fog in which surprises jump out at me every other day. Sort of Terry Pratchet Disc World type of reality. Suddenly I've stepped out into the light, and God its so bright I'm just totally dazzled by the reality of my life. I'm sitting here thinking "fuck I really really am disabled aren't I?" This IS as good as it gets.

I spent a difficult weekend at home. Good weather brings out the worst in me. From a physical point of view I suffer tremendously with muscle spasms when it starts to get hot. From a mental point of view, good weather just makes me feel depressed. Its actually pretty easy to be upbeat when its bad weather because no one wants to go out much anyway. But when the sun is shining and you see how really blue that sky is, then suddenly you start to realize that you've lost more than you ever thought, and that you seem to lose a little more every day. I had an appt with my urologist on Thursday, so I said, 'this catheter thing, am I going to have to use this forever?' 'Yes' she said. Mmmmmmmm its not that I was surprised but still its not what you want to hear is it? So I came home and spent the next 3 days sitting on our terrace, listening to music, being maudlin and just generally crying into my coffee. Coupled with the fact I've also had tremendous pain in my back and legs we could say it wasn't a good few days.
PS. heres our house for you to look at.

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