That's me, Johnny No- Mates. You see sadly I have no friends. Really I don't think I have anyone I could call for a chat, or go for a coffee, see something new, or just do the sort of things friends do. OK perhaps I should add, I do have a few friends but they all live hundreds of miles away, which on a daily basis isn't very useful. We don't have any family nearby either, so we are pretty much on our own. Ive tried really hard to get to know people but it never seems to come off. I think I'm alright, I'm quite funny, can hold a decent conversation, am interested in all sorts of things and usually pretty kind and understanding, so you'd think loads of people would be dying to be my friend, to enjoy my company. But no it doesn't happen. No one ever calls me, or invites me anywhere or anything like that. I'm not thinking of a daily basis here, but not even on a monthly basis.
However what I do have is lots and lots of people admiring me. Let me tell you now I'm so admired its not true. Its the one word people use all the time when talking to me and about me to others. Every member of the family admires me, some are proud of me and many are in awe. I'm reminded constantly or their admiration, I'm so admired that I think Id have given the Queen Mother a run for her money, being the gambling woman she was. So as I'm so admired I don't have any need for friends do I?
That's what the world seems to think. I'm on this bloody pedestal of admiration when all I want to do is something simple like have a decent coffee, a chat, eat cake, go for a walk, see a bit of scenery and if I'm really pushing it Id like to go to a concert of some kind. I spend most of my time by myself, in my own company, ( apart from my husband), trundling around on my own. I would love to have a really good laugh about something with a friend, to ask someone how they are, listen to a problem, give some advice. That's what friends do isn't it?
Although I'm trying not to feel persecuted I do suspect people only see my chair, and not the real me. I cant spontaneously pop round peoples houses, I have to check for access whenever I go somewhere, I feel people either think I have no brain anymore, or that I'm some sort of strident intellectual professional disabled person, or I can be patronised a bit. I'm not normal, and people dont know how to behave or act. Meanwhile I'm the loneliest person in the north tonight.
Crap, that's an awful feeling and reality. I don't know what keeps people from hanging out with people with disabilities, but that seems to be common on both sides of the pond.
ReplyDeletePeople treat aquired disability as a tragic bereavement and as such treat you as if you had just lost a close family member. The difference is that unlike true bereavement there is no funeral, no closure in their eyes it doesnt wear off because they see they wheelchair for ever and to them it is akin to wearing black or carrying the decaying corpse around with you!
ReplyDeleteMoving to new area is hard to get new friends, becoming disabled its hard to get new friends, not having a steady job its hard to get new friends. You have done it all at once.... It's bloody hard to get new friends!
I consider you a new friend but even though we live almost in the same county we are still almost 100 miles apart and thats a shame because we share a lot of interests in music ect. I would have loved to have you come to see Vin Garbut with me last week as he was so funny you'd have been peeing your self (although thats no real measure of funnyness when the audience is spinally injured!)
This is just a mix of long dark nights, short days, hormones, new home, job /life uncertainty and it will pass. Belive me all manner of things will pass because you have survived spinal cord injury the hardest test you are ever likely to have.
Very best regards
T
You are not the only one on earth who is lonely, always remeber that!
ReplyDeleteI do feel very lonely due too people lack in understanding me personally. Though, you are not bad or commited nothing. The only thing i suggest is too make some phone calls too co~workers or share your talents too others. If you have too! make something up like a 'white lie' but not a tradegic lie as such though one you can pull off that will appear good too you and them. Lonelieness is the worst feeling. So do not let it wash over you.....act upon it but there is no rush. Take step by step....