Wednesday, December 13
That's me, Johnny No- Mates. You see sadly I have no friends. Really I don't think I have anyone I could call for a chat, or go for a coffee, see something new, or just do the sort of things friends do. OK perhaps I should add, I do have a few friends but they all live hundreds of miles away, which on a daily basis isn't very useful. We don't have any family nearby either, so we are pretty much on our own. Ive tried really hard to get to know people but it never seems to come off. I think I'm alright, I'm quite funny, can hold a decent conversation, am interested in all sorts of things and usually pretty kind and understanding, so you'd think loads of people would be dying to be my friend, to enjoy my company. But no it doesn't happen. No one ever calls me, or invites me anywhere or anything like that. I'm not thinking of a daily basis here, but not even on a monthly basis.
However what I do have is lots and lots of people admiring me. Let me tell you now I'm so admired its not true. Its the one word people use all the time when talking to me and about me to others. Every member of the family admires me, some are proud of me and many are in awe. I'm reminded constantly or their admiration, I'm so admired that I think Id have given the Queen Mother a run for her money, being the gambling woman she was. So as I'm so admired I don't have any need for friends do I?
That's what the world seems to think. I'm on this bloody pedestal of admiration when all I want to do is something simple like have a decent coffee, a chat, eat cake, go for a walk, see a bit of scenery and if I'm really pushing it Id like to go to a concert of some kind. I spend most of my time by myself, in my own company, ( apart from my husband), trundling around on my own. I would love to have a really good laugh about something with a friend, to ask someone how they are, listen to a problem, give some advice. That's what friends do isn't it?
Although I'm trying not to feel persecuted I do suspect people only see my chair, and not the real me. I cant spontaneously pop round peoples houses, I have to check for access whenever I go somewhere, I feel people either think I have no brain anymore, or that I'm some sort of strident intellectual professional disabled person, or I can be patronised a bit. I'm not normal, and people dont know how to behave or act. Meanwhile I'm the loneliest person in the north tonight.