Tuesday, January 22
I have this method of getting up in the morning whereby I roll a bit and eventually the momentum is enough for me to be able to do one more roll then a push and a grunt and I'm sitting up on the side of the bed. Only this morning I couldn't do it. I woke up and realised I was almost frozen. It was as if my back was super glued to the mattress, no way could I even start my usual roll. Painful too, very painful, its as if my brain had lost the overnight neurological connection and cant remember what to do. Its so difficult to describe because I know what I want to do only the rest of me isn't getting the message. So I had to ask my husband to get me out of bed which is a bit of a loss of face for me as I'm usually Super Woman, only of course I don't feel like that. Hes pretty sanguine about it all. Don't worry Ive done handling and lifting he says with a smile, Oh yes I'm just like a sack of potatos aren't I? And I'm laughing as I say it because its better than crying isnt it?
I'm always worse on my left side than the right, by that I mean pain is worse there, I have less function there and I get painful spasms there, all on the left. I am fed up. I have no one to to tell that I feel full of pain. My back hurts, I am up late because of spasms which feel like small electric shocks and my left foot taps on its own from time to time, which is spooky and I don't like it. I have had enough of this life and Id like one that is pain free for the next 50 years. I would like to experience that lightness of spirit you get when you don't have pain. To be honest I cant remember what its like, I just seem to be dragging along in life and its harder than I ever thought it would be or would admit to anyone.