Monday, November 13
I don't like ever to say I'm feeling unwell to be honest. I do a good line in non -conformist stoicism, but I have to admit defeat at the moment. I'm suffering really I am, all the time. I'm getting no relief right now at all. The main problem is my bladder. Its killing me. I spent 2 hours in the bath last night in tears because it hurts me so much. It hurts when I'm cathing, it hurts when I'm not. I have a permanent UTI which is really nasty. You can see how Ive written about it before. Its just relentless. At the moment I'm alternating between over continence and in continence. Most of the time I couldn't go if you waved £10000 in front of me, then suddenly without warning Ive wet myself. So far Ive wet myself at work, in the car and at home. I'm currently wetting myself every morning as soon as I get up. Basically once Ive started to physically get up, I cannot get to the bathroom before I'm very wet. I hate this I really really do. Its just THE most awful thing. So I'm speaking with my urologist tomorrow and asking for an indwelling to be put into place. This is a permanent tube put up into my bladder, held in place by a small balloon. I then get to use a nice selection of leg bags with it just to add to the humiliation. BUT, you know right now I don't care one bit. Don't care how humiliated I feel, I really cant stand this awful bladder pain.
On a related issue this seems also to be affecting my bowels. I presume its the same nerves or something that controls both. My bowels are not great, and I'm experiencing leakage I don't know why Im writing about this, but I'm trying to keep it in the spirit of honestly and openness that I started. One thing I do know, and I'm telling you right, here and now, I am NOT NOT wearing a nappy and that's it. I want another solution.