Saturday, October 20
The life that I have
The life that I have is all that I have, and at the moment that's just how I feel. I feel I have nothing, I feel I am nothing, just lying in the gutter with no where to go. At times like this everyone is so quick to point out all the things I do have and I know I'm lucky not to be an HIV positive orphan slowly dying in Darfur but it doesn't make it any easier. I live in a western society where life's expectations are high and I have failed to meet so many of them, I don't feel like I'm worth a jot. Oh what do you do? How many bloody times am I asked that? Usually I just say 'oh nothing much these days, I'm professionally disabled' and that shuts the person up sharpish, but its just a front on my part. Such questions are like a slow form of mental torture, answer enough times that you don't do anything and you believe it. I can also see how people become very disinterested once they know you don't work. Society seems to judge you by what you earn and what you do and nothing else. So I don't feel very valued by society.
Today I feel like my life has been one hard slog from start to finish. All my life Ive been going against the tide, and every time Ive been slapped down, Ive just bounced up so it can happen again. Tonight I'm tired, tonight I think I might just keep lying down and not bother to get back up. maybe I can just let the world go on around me. Id like some respite from everything in my life,.. to be magicked away for a week somewhere, to be pampered and cared for and cossetted, not to start that long uphill haul again. It doesn't seem worth it.