Friday, January 4
2012 saw me meet up accidentally or otherwise with long lost friends or people who I have known in a professional capacity. In September I bumped into our former rabbi from 10 years ago who was the guest over the high holydays. She greeted us like the long lost friends that we were and then gestured to me in a what's-all-this-I-shall-make-light-of-it kind of way. I find times like this horribly uncomfortable because I can feel their anxiety and almost smell the sadness at seeing me there. Immediately I go into play it down mode. I feel bad that they are feeling even worse and really I shouldn't. I have a bit of a back problem, I say, yes that's right, shoot me now. I don't know why I do it, and after all this time I should stop. So I have resolved to be more honest from now on. Am I in denial I ask myself? Should I really be brutally honest? 'Oh I broke my neck and I'm paralysed from the chest down.... but I'm OK really...' The trouble is, I am essentially always breaking bad news which isn't easy. Just when you think no more people from an old life can pop up, hey presto they appear on Facebook. I try to be kind but in the process I feel a bit like a fraud because I'm not being particularly truthful. But the truth hurts as they say and I don't want that. To be honest it is easier for me if people ask more direct questions, such as my husbands bestest ever friend from school and his wife.They are funny and I like them. She says how it is and I like that. So she says is the wheelchair permanent? Yes it is I answer. She nods and asks why. I tell her in a rambling way and as I'm going on a little voice in my head is saying shut the fuck up you are rambling. I ramble a bit more and shut up. She seems happy with the answer and I feel relieved that I don't have to go into the whole medical history, not too much anyway. Resolution. Stop rambling in 2013.