Monday, July 30
Ive been sitting here today, fiddling around with the computer, catching up on jobs, paying bills, that sort of thing, nothing amazing, just an ordinary kind of day. the kind of days that I long for and are all too rare in my life. And you know something, today I just cannot, cannot reconcile myself to a life of wheelchairs, catheters, bowel management, pain, and medication. I want something different, I want to be ordinary, normal, unexciting, mundane. I would sell my soul to the devil for a few days of normality, a few days to go cycling with my son, to walk my dogs, to paddle in the river, to run up a hill until I have stitch in my side, yes I would trade with the devil himself. The way I feel at the moment, I could roll myself into the path of an oncoming Eddie Stobbart lorry on the A69 and be done with it, my children keep me going. Don't worry I'm not suicidal, and I'm not depressed, I'm just suffering from a large dose of realism and injustice. Oh and I forgot, bitter and twisted too. I'm tired of every bit of my life being such a bloody struggle. It really does seem like that at the moment. While I'm having a rant Id also like to say that if someone points out there are people worse off than me, I'm afraid that it doesn't make me feel one jot better. It doesn't stop me feeling crap or tired or worn out or plain fed up knowing that there is great suffering in the world, so please don't even bother. But as they say, tomorrow is another day, thank God.