Sunday, February 8

Bluff and Double Bluff

Its no good Id better come clean, I'm a complete and utter charlatan! What you see is not what you get, well not what I get anyway. Let me explain. Anyone who knows me thinks I'm confident, forthright, intelligent, wonderful and marvelous, I know coz I'm told over and over again, but inside I'm dying a thousand deaths every time I have to do something that is vaguely public. My confidence is all but zero so I just go through pretending I'm this calm wonderful person while really hoping I'm going to vanish from sight. For some reason Ive become almost hypersensitive about myself, I'm super self conscious and my feeling of self worth is very low. And its starting to show. Since my first son was born Ive worked for about 10 months. Admittedly I wasn't always available for work but in that time since I've had no offers of work whatsoever. I get interviews, and I know I usually interview well, I'm educated, well spoken, articulate, and super conscientious and yet when it comes to the bit.... Please give a 10 minute talk on XYZ, Powerpoint is available.... I fall apart. That's it, interview over I have failed yet again. And yet I didn't used to be like this. I have exams in public speaking, chat to me and you would never think I'm such a disaster, but I start to stutter, I mumble, I forget my facts and I'm as boring as hell. I'm so conscious of myself its becoming an issue and I'm not sure how to overcome it. Its the staticness of it all that doesnt help, I'm just sitting and being dull. Movement during a talk is a great distraction and can also add a lot, its something I don't have and I really don't know how to go about injecting some fluidity into my presentations. Maybe I need counselling....seriously? Certainly I'm starting to dread applying for things because I know I'm going to have to give a talk, or maybe i should avoid it by selling myself short. I don't know, but it makes me feel sick even thinking about it, I feel so bloody stupid.

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