Now hold your head up, Mason
See America lies there
The morning tide has raised
The capes of Delaware
Come up and feel the sun
A new morning has begun
Another day will make it clear
Why your stars should guide us here.....
I really love this song and in particular this verse. Every day I want to feel the sun, see the new day, and wonder why I am here.
Monday, January 8
Au Revoir not Goodbye
Just before Christmas, my job came to an end, and you know what?.. I was heartbroken. Its silly I know because I knew it would, but I never really thought the whole thing would go as well as it did.
When I first applied I sent in the scrappiest application ever and never thought Id get an interview, and when I did, I was, looking back, quite aggressive. At the time I was still having quite a lot of anger issues which have now subsided for the most part into the background again. Never for one second did I think I would get the job, I suspect I was the only applicant actually, but the application was in itself just a way of dipping my toe back into the job market. It was a huge shock to find myself going to work at a job Id never done before and I wasn't sure I was up to it either physically or mentally. But 2 months on and I started to find my feet! I wasn't so tired and things started to come together. I invested so much of myself into the work because I really really needed this to be success, and I think it probably was. I know that I did make a difference to a couple of people so it was worth it. I got to know a lot of people, made some friends, and started to feel like a real person again. My own self esteem returned and I felt a sense of worth which had been missing for a while.
So on my last day I tried really hard not to cry. No fuss please I said, so I didn't get any which was a relief. I cry a lot these days and its not a pregnancy thing, I'm just more emotional than I was, life is a different colour to what it was. I didn't cry until I got in the car and drove out of Penrith, and then I sobbed all the way up the M6. It wasn't the money, or the work, but the people I had left behind. I cried for me, for everything I was, and everything I will be in the future. For the success of the last few months, and the feeling that maybe I was starting to draw a big black line under some parts of my life.