Monday, January 8

Au Revoir not Goodbye

Just before Christmas, my job came to an end, and you know what?.. I was heartbroken. Its silly I know because I knew it would, but I never really thought the whole thing would go as well as it did.
When I first applied I sent in the scrappiest application ever and never thought Id get an interview, and when I did, I was, looking back, quite aggressive. At the time I was still having quite a lot of anger issues which have now subsided for the most part into the background again. Never for one second did I think I would get the job, I suspect I was the only applicant actually, but the application was in itself just a way of dipping my toe back into the job market. It was a huge shock to find myself going to work at a job Id never done before and I wasn't sure I was up to it either physically or mentally. But 2 months on and I started to find my feet! I wasn't so tired and things started to come together. I invested so much of myself into the work because I really really needed this to be success, and I think it probably was. I know that I did make a difference to a couple of people so it was worth it. I got to know a lot of people, made some friends, and started to feel like a real person again. My own self esteem returned and I felt a sense of worth which had been missing for a while.
So on my last day I tried really hard not to cry. No fuss please I said, so I didn't get any which was a relief. I cry a lot these days and its not a pregnancy thing, I'm just more emotional than I was, life is a different colour to what it was. I didn't cry until I got in the car and drove out of Penrith, and then I sobbed all the way up the M6. It wasn't the money, or the work, but the people I had left behind. I cried for me, for everything I was, and everything I will be in the future. For the success of the last few months, and the feeling that maybe I was starting to draw a big black line under some parts of my life.

Now hold your head up, Mason

See America lies there

The morning tide has raised

The capes of Delaware

Come up and feel the sun

A new morning has begun

Another day will make it clear

Why your stars should guide us here.....

I really love this song and in particular this verse. Every day I want to feel the sun, see the new day, and wonder why I am here.

1 comment:

  1. I play this song all the time!

    When you have an injury like this it becomes a journey into something unknown and if we are to survive we cannot look back perhaps we are each sailing to our own personal Philedelphia.

    Your mate.