A Pregnant Pause

I'm fed up. Yes I'm tired of being pregnant, that's it Ive had enough, fast forward to May I think now. I mean when you think about it 9 months must surely be a design fault at least...9 months?!! Seems like Ive been pregnant forever and at the moment I'm looking at the calender and counting the days. Still about 104 to go. I'm spending endless days at home doing endless tasks. Washing, washing and I know, I could do some... washing!!!! Ive done some painting, cleaning and cooking. I'm a Domestic Goddess, no I'm a Bored Domestic Goddess! The weather doesn't help, its that miserable time of year, the garden is beckoning to me, yet it pretty much rains every day, so not much going on there yet.

Mind you even when I'm out its not that much fun. Ive got this awkward bump on my lap that means I cant get comfy, I find hard going terrain VERY hard going, and I don't seem to have the strength I had even before Christmas. I cant bounce up steps anymore, and slopes are getting tough. So I don't enjoy myself much generally. Im a real misery although I look cheerful enough!

I'm having a lot of general discomfort now, I don't like to say pain, but its heading that way. Things are hurting quite a lot more, and Id like to sit in bed a lot. I cant turn myself in bed anymore and end up waking up because Ive been lying too long in the same position and my back is killing me. I cant get out of bed either, or rather it takes me a long time to do so. Having said that I was sat in bed the other night having sort of hysterics, much to the alarm of my husband, " I feel as if I'm sitting on a bag of cobbles" I said, and you know you don't know whether to laugh or cry and that's the truth, Obviously I'm tired.

So please time, hurry up, I want this done and over with and into the summer. Id like to have my life back, so I can make some real future plans, and not just wistful thinking, Id like to be a real person again, and not a pregnant disabled woman. Ooooo I love a label don't you?!

"You Dont Wanna Do it Like That........!"

You may remember a few years ago that Harry Enfield had a character on his TV show, an obviously retired older man who plagued his children by telling them constantly "You don't want to do it like that.... Do it like this!"? Well that character is me! I mentioned earlier that I was always keen on doing jobs around the house, but now that I find it a lot harder to do some of them or even impossible, I haven't given up the reins of power, Oh no, I have become an accomplished back seat driver. This was pointed out to me with some force by my husband this w/e, and to my utter shame he is right. When he is trying to do any job, I sit there and bark orders at him non stop, making sure he does it my way or no way. To say it must be off putting for him is a major understatement, so I'm sort of resolved to roll off into the distance and try to let him get on with things in his own way. She says, fist in mouth!!

27th January.

Today being the 27th was my birthday. I am older and wiser than last year that's for sure. The 27th is an interesting day to be born, being Mozart's birthday, and also the writer Lewis Carroll, Dmitri Mendeleev, chemist (discovered periodic table of the elements) Jerome Kern, Broadway composer, William Randolph Hearst Jr, newspaper publisher, Mikhail Baryshnikov, ballet dancer ,Alan Milburn, MP and as for events on this day, there was the liberation of Auschwitz-Birkenau. So that's why we now have Holocaust Memorial Day today and that's why being Jewish my birthday is a bit more sombre than it used to be. Still we make the best of it and the day started with a trip to Synagogue. You see how much of a good time I can have!? Well we decided to try out somewhere new in Newcastle. These days I tend to get quite nervous about going new places and seeing new people. Its mostly to do with can I get in somewhere and how will people react. Ive had a few dodgy experiences with access as you know, which makes me expect the worse. And as for people its hard to tell what they think. I can either be ignored or given too much attention. Neither is great, and makes me think I should have some sort of flashing light on my head. But you know what? I was pleasantly surprised, the building was lovely the welcome warm and no awkward moments or questions... yet anyway, so I think it looks certain that we will go back.

Now the trouble with having a birthday at this time of year is that the weather is always miserable and much as Id like to do something exciting, pragmatically its not likely with a 3 year old in tow. So we went to Ikea, sat in their cafe for 2 hours, had a nice cheap lunch, with coffee and cake and our son played happily in the children's corner. On coming home we scoffed all the food we'd bought in the Ikea food shop and watched the Da Vinci Code which was a complete load of nonsense, but mildly entertaining for a couple of hours. All in all it was one of the best birthdays Ive had in a few years, a pleasant day with no stress.

My husband bought me a course in Transcendental meditation. Not the sort of gift you generally get is it? the idea I think was to calm me down, as I'm prone to getting stressed through general frustration, or start jabbing my finger with anger. Although I'm not half as bad as I used to be (believe it or not!!) the whole thing is a waste of energy and counter productive. So hopefully it will work. Lots of people do it so why not have a go I say?!

Here a picture of me with the new chair and son (GET THAT DUMMY OUT!!) taken at Ikea. I must say sideways isn't that flattering as I'm starting to look pregnant!

Center parcs 1

We are, as you may have worked out, the Royal Family of procrastination here. Why make any decision when putting it off is even better?.. is our motto. So, you might have noticed a bit of indecision with regards to an impending holiday, Ah, should it be France, or then what about Ireland? Oh, so many decisions and definitely not enough time to implement any of them if we are not careful. So this week I made a decision based on the fact that I'm progressing along with my pregnancy at a rate of knots now and certainly by the end of February, I probably won't want to be driving for hours on end. What about Center parcs I suggested? Husband thought this was a good idea and at this time of year it sounds warm and attractive with a lot of sitting around and eating. I could do with being in the tropical paradise and having a splash around in their pool. So we have booked for Mon-Fri, last week of Feb, a 2 bedroom disabled apartment. Sounds very good and I admit to being just a little impressed when they asked me if I needed any clinical waste bags? Well useful, but no one has ever thought to ask this, so I'm hopeful that they know what they are doing!

Shoe, Schuh!

I was in Carlisle this week for the first time since Christmas, and every time I'm there I always go to the shop Shuh, which sells..... shoes. You see I have a rather perverse interest in shoes, I always have ever since I had my first pair of red wellies at the age of 3. I love buying them, especially Converse type shoes, you know those baseball type trainers. Anyway I tend to go for the ankle boot version as they hold my ankles and stop my feet from being so floppy, and as luck would have it, my favourite shop was having a sale. Its a bit of an irony here as I have a vast selection of shoes to choose from, and its not like I'm going to get through them in a hurry, but I cant resist, really I cant. So I perused the selection on offer, and I just knew I wouldn't leave without purchasing at least one pair. Well it turned out to be 2, because one pair of red shoes with cherries and strawberries on them, just kept whispering. "take me home, take me home, you know you want me....!" and then a cream and off pink pair started to shout, "No, me me me!!!." So you can see I was helpless in the face of such pressure, and just had to liberate them quickly. Who knows I may just have to drop by next week to see if there is anything else that needs its freedom!

Im watching...

When you click on this page I know who you are and what you are looking for!! Mmmmm its my little spy, giving me lots of stats. Dont worry it doesnt tell me you are Mr Jones of 21 Tonypandy Terrace, Pontypool, but it does tell me what you are trawling the net for, and what country you are in. Im amazed, well maybe even shocked at what people put into their search engines. Its also slightly worrying that if I can see these sort of things, what other people can see as well!!

New Wheels!!!

My new wheelchair arrived today and how excited am I? I've been tracking it from Heathrow since last Monday and by Thursday it just seemed to be in limbo en route to somewhere. Then I got the call from the courier to ask me some questions so I wouldn't have to pay import tax, and then arrange a time. It was all very easy really, and at 11.30 today it arrived, this huge great box with the very nice black Ti logo on the box. Well it was as if I was 10 all over again I was so excited!! I wrestled with the box for sometime as it was stapled and taped but eventually I got it open and started to remove the mountains of packing material. I was nervous. Id ordered the 16 inch seat which is what Ive been using on my RGK but now I was thinking, maybe I should have got the 17 inch? Anyway out came this nice silver shiny frame and wheels. So light I cant tell you, I mean almost featherweight compared to the other one. So it was a matter of clicking the wheels, unfolding the frame and off I went, pracising round the house. I'm like a child on Christmas day with a new bike.... just couldn't wait!

6 Months On

I woke up this morning and found out I was pregnant!!!!!! This sounds crazy I know but for the last 5 months it's been fairly well hidden and suddenly almost overnight, the bump has appeared and boy I'm starting to feel pregnant! I mean who are these woman who say they felt marvellous when they were pregnant? "oh yes I never looked so good" they say. Surprisingly a lot of people tell me how good I look, as if they expect me to look haggard and wizened at the prospect of motherhood yet again. Actually I spend a lot of time looking pale and pasty, but everyone's opinion is different.

So hows it all progressing? From a purely pregnancy point of view its really easy and straightforward, nothing to worry about, pretty text book in fact. I haven't been blighted by all those problems most women seem to get. Morning sickness, food craving, huge weight gain, high blood pressure, swollen ankles, the list is endless. But I am starting to get my own niggles which I think are to do with either being sat down most of the day, and SCI in general.

Suddenly I'm very tired, tired and tearful. So overwhelmingly tired that I have to go and sleep straight away. Its irritating and means I don't get that much done. My back is really starting to feel it, especially around point of injury and also seems to be creeping up higher as well. I'm finding sitting up straight just quite hard work and I'm feeling breathless as Hersh minimus is starting to push my diaphragm up. My bladder just does what it wants to do most of the time with no say from me. Generally pain has increased quite a bit and even things like turning in, and getting out of bed are becoming quite difficult. Day to day things like pushing up a slight hill, and getting in and out of the car take more care and effort. And to finish off, I feel as if Ive turned into a round blob on wheels. Thats not really true, but everytime I catch sight of myself I think "*******" or words to that effect! Vanity, vanity all is vanity huh?Not that I'm moaning, mostly its OK, Ill just be glad once we are into June I suppose and its all over with.

A Date with Dentistry.

Last week I went to the dentist for the first time in 2 years. Thankfully my teeth haven't dropped out, but its the first time Ive managed to find one who had any space. Id got into this habit of every few months phoning all the dentists within a 50 mile radius and asking "Are you taking any new NHS patients?"...." No" and the same a few months later, and a few more months etc etc etc. Anyway you can imagine my shock when I did this before Christmas and someone said Yes! I was so surprised I just made appointments straight away and didn't even think about access issues because these are dentists, shouldn't access be guaranteed? So the morning of the appointment I suddenly thought about it and called them? Did they have wheelchair access and so on? The receptionist sounded pretty surprised I should ask this, well she said we have a small step at the front door, but the dentists room is downstairs. So I thought ok not so bad we can manage.

When we got there I saw the step and straight way realised I wouldn't be able to get up it myself, and once inside the waiting room was so crammed it was impossible. The final straw came when the downstairs surgery actually had one very large step to negotiate. Its times like these that I save Plan B for. Plan B requires me to stand up and actually try to take a step or 2 at the same time. Not easy, I can just about stand up if my life depends on it, and as for taking steps, its not so much as I'm walking but more like dragging myself along if you get my drift and it actually causes me a lot of pain after the event. I can take a step with my right leg and then end up dragging my left up to meet it, in a sort of Quasimodo style. Very Stylish I might add! So with my husband standing right behind me I managed the step. There was just no way I was letting this dentist get away now Id found them, Id have shuffled in on my bottom if needs be.

But at the end of that day I'm just irritated by the fact that I wasn't given the right information at the time, and why on earth are dentists so bloody inaccessible? Are they not governed by the same planning constraints as everyone else? I have another couple of visits in the next month which should be fun, obviously my 'carer' will have to come with me, and I'm sure he has better things he could be doing, but in the long term I'm going to have to look for a dentist with better access if there is one.

Comme Sur Des Roulettes

...As If On Wheels.

This was a rather funny french film that I saw in TV last week about a man who pretended to be disabled in order to get a job. Believe me it was funny, in fact it was almost farcical and if your french is up to it Id recommend it. I suspect the french are not as PC as we are because its the sort of film I can't imagine anyone making here because people would get too het up about it. Anyway the gist of the story is, he learns what life's about living in a chair, has his house repossessed, makes lots of disabled friends who believe it or not are funny, warm and genuine people with real personalities and falls in love. Of course it doesn't last and eventually they all find out he can walk, and isn't disabled at all. After a few minutes of incredulity and running around, they all forgive him, understand, laugh and are all friends again. And of course the woman he loves doesn't feel at all upset or betrayed! But listen I said it was a comedy not real life, but if someone did that to me I'd probably be so upset and furious I would miraculously jump up and slap them very hard, at least once!

Cant Do, Wont Do!?

I think the perception of the Able Bodied world is that when you become disabled, you suddenly can't function in the physical world and that you need a carer for every waking hour of your life. Of course it entirely depends on the severity of your disability, but it irks me that people see my chair, assume my husband is my carer and that I'm pretty incapable of most things. Why I need a carer to go to a concert I don't know, but hey its a free ticket!!

Anyway I pride myself on the fact that I can do most things most of the time. Usually it requires a bit of lateral thinking and the old saying "try, try, try, again". However there are probably half a dozen activities that either have me beat, or the effort is just too great, so its not worth it.

• Gardening is probably the number 1 activity. Its a pity because I actually like doing the garden and I'm happy to potter around and chop things, weed and I can even mow the grass on a dry day. But when it comes to the big things, and especially digging, forget it. I just cant physically do it. I know last year I spent a lot of time sitting on my bottom doing flower beds, its a long time for a small gain.
• DIY. I used to be Mrs DIY. In the past Ive loved doing every job you can imagine around the house, Ive tiled, plumbed, decorated and even had a go at simple electrics. I have a huge selection of tools sitting in our shed which haven't been used in a long time. The main problem is that most things you want to do are for some reason up high, so pretty much out of reach for me. I'm still happy to sit on a chair and do painting however.
• The Car. I used to do a lot of car maintenance and now I just can't reach to do it which is annoying. Ill have a go at washing and cleaning the car, but with only limited success.
• Putting the rubbish out and taking the wheely bins down. No can't do it and I'm not even trying!
• Beds. I find stripping and making beds very hard work so I'm glad my husband does it instead.
• Washing up. I have always hated it so now I have a reason not to do it!!

So there we have it. I will still have a go at most of these things but the results are usually pretty dire. I'm learning that its sometimes better to be pragmatic and accept defeat than keep banging my head very hard while trying to show I'm all things to all people all the time.

I Need a Holiday Too!!

We have been trying to organise a week away in France for months, but fate keeps coming along and mucking it up. Originally we were going to go to Normandy for a week, next week, but guess what we cant find our passports!!! That's put an end to that one then. So then I thought we could go in a months time, but to be honest I'm not sure I'm well enough to drive to Portsmouth and then make sure my pregnant brain can manage to cope with driving on the other side of the road. Doh, whats my name?!!! We finally gave in, admitted defeat and decided to go later in the year.

But then suddenly a friend offered us his house in Ireland free of charge for a week, and of course you don't need passports for Ireland, and as we haven't been before we have decided to take up this kind offer and arrange it for around the end of February. Not too much driving and all on the right side of the road, as Van Morrison would say.

Ah but fate hadn't finished with me, oh no, our dreams of going to France were still there, so guess what?!! Last night I won a weeks holiday in Brittany for us all. You can check it out on the website http://www.ineedaholidaytoo.com Looks really nice, fully accessible and I haven't been to Brittany since I was at school. So already I'm looking forward to it, and sitting in a nice cafe somewhere watching the world go by....

Cold

I'm still coughing. I thought the cough had gone, and it almost had for a few days, but now I have a full blown cold with very runny nose and hacking cough. I'm so exhausted, I haven't slept for days, I'm throwing up and I look pale. My bladder is so leaky Ive had to change 4 times in a day, so now Ive decided that until this has gone, I'm going to be bagged all day and not just at night. I know my urologist would slap me about hard but she doesn't have to live with it and hopefully it will only be for a few days. I'm feeling very low physically, about as low as you can get I think, and I'm dreaming of warm sunshine and lazy days, so I know I must be feeling bad as I never think like this. Pregnancy has taken its toll I have to say.

Seeing the World

I suppose I think about dying everyday, several times a day. No don't worry I'm not morbidly depressed and given my genetics Ive probably got another 50 years to go, so I'm not even half way yet. But you never know do you?

My mum is at a stage in her life where friends and contemporaries are starting to get life threatening illnesses and some die from these. Most recently her best friend of forever died, its a lady Ive known since I was born and have some good memories of her. When we are young, and I mean in our 20s I suppose, we will live forever, there is no doubt about it we are immortal, but I have looked death in the face a couple of times, and suddenly my life seems very tenuous. Its not the dying that worries me, its the leaving behind, and as a parent I suppose we all think that.

So although I must seem like the grumpiest woman alive sometimes here, I try not to moan or grumble much in my day to day life, because our time here is so short to waste being a misery. I know a few people who do nothing but complain loud and long, day in day out and I don't want to be remembered for that, or look back at the end and think what a bloody waste it was and how I should have done so much more.

We spend our lives complaining we don't have time, but of course we do, its just how we use it. Friday night we had a power cut for 7 hours. We rely on electricity for everything here, so there wasn't much to do, no TV, no computer, no technology of any kind. That was it, so we sat in bed, because it was freezing, had the wind up radio giving a bit of crackly music and we talked and listened to each other, and talked. A rare moment.

I think, I hope, that my disability has made me see the world with fresher less jaded eyes. I know that sounds a bit Pollyanna-ish, but I think my appreciation of the small things has sored over the last year especially. So next time you are out stop and see something. I mean just how blue is the sky, how marvellous the colours of the sunset, or how large the raindrops? Look at it and seal it in your head forever, because the intensity of the moment is so much greater than the captured image.

Uncomfortably Numb

I find the reality of loss of sensation quite difficult to deal with to be truthful. Its hard to describe unless you have experienced it, but you know when you have been asleep with your arm above your head too long? Well your arm goes numb and floppy, I suppose its sort of like that, only half of me feels like that all the time. I have this thing when I sit in the bath of pinching myself just to be sure. I start around my belly button and work down pinching as hard as I can all over. Perhaps its not a great idea but no damage has been done so far. The thing is I cant quite believe it, well I can but I cant. Its a funny thing because if you are not careful you start too think you can feel something when you cant, I guess your brain likes to play tricks. I have realised however that I do have feeling around my knees about 2 inches all round. Not sure if this has any practical application though, in fact I didn't notice until I realised Id said 'OW' a couple of times when Id bumped myself!!
The saddest thing though is loss of intimacy. This is quite delicate thing to talk about so I'm hopping round the subject a bit. What I mean is, when you really love someone, you want to share emotional, spiritual and physical intimacies, and now its all changed, certainly the physical aspect anyway. That's not to say that we er... don't do anything..... because hey I'm pregnant and its not to my knowledge an immaculate conception. But I'm often very sad because I cant feel the physical aspect our love, and if I could wish for just one thing I think it would be that, because passion is a wonderful thing when shared with the love of your life.

Ikea and Part M Building regulations

Oooooo now doesn't this sound like a really interesting title for a posting? See, I know how to grab your attention, BUT before your eyes just glaze over let me tell you what part M is all about. Basically its the regulations that cover new buildings making them accessible for everyone. Legislation is there to make sure both you and I can get to where we want to go, find a loo we can use and all that sort of thing. Now lets talk toilets!

IKEA looks as though they have spent a tidy sum building a brand new restaurant and cafe in their Gateshead store, its very spacious, bright and accessible. Opposite they have put the loos, only trouble is you cant get into the disabled loo. OK that's not quite right, but you do need help and on both occasions I had to ask some passing person to hold the door for me. Why you ask? Well there looks to be 3 problems. 1. There is no handle on the front of the door so you cant pull it open. 2. where they have tiled the floor there is an inch to bounce up on going in, and 3. the door is SO HEAVY you cant hold it open wide enough or long enough to bounce up the inch in the first place. The door is so heavy it doesn't swing too behind you, but there is no handle on the back of the door either so you cant even try to pull it shut.

But you know how it is, eventually you make it, use the facilities and head out. Ah but this time you cant get out. Actually I had a bugger of a job getting the door open, like I said it was SO heavy, nothing to grab hold of and so on. What I did was push the door with my left hand, and grab the door frame with my right,... and OUCH there go 2 broken finger nails!! Again some kind passing individual held the door open so I could get out, but honestly you could get stuck in there for ages!! I should have taken a photo but you know what, I'm still constantly surprised by the ineptness of society to get things right. I mean we are talking about a toilet door here , not the Physics of the Universe, no its a bloody toilet door!!! Hello IKEA are you listening?

No of course not, but I have a few letters of complaint to do, so they can go on the list.

Weighty matters

I went to see my GP this week, mostly about my horrendous cough and also my miserable incontinence, like I don't have enough to think about huh?Anyway after giving me the once over and generally saying you will have to live with it, which is pretty much what I thought she said 'You've lost weight. Is this a good losing weight or a bad losing weight?" I know this to be true because I noticed on some passport photos I did last week that my face looks a lot thinner than it did on this time last years blue badge photo. I suppose weight loss is seen as a good thing, but its not usual when you are pregnant. I was at a clinic last week and the woman next to me was due in May, around the same time as me. I kid you not she must have been twice my weight, and every other woman there was enormous too. I think the main reason for losing weight is mostly due to pain. As Hersh mimimus gets bigger, I get more pain, and to be honest when you have a lot of pain, leg spasms, in/overcontinence and generally feel a bit knackered because everything you do takes a bit more effort than Mrs Average, its hardly surprising that by the time dinner comes round you've lost the will to go on, let alone cook a meal. Really, what I obviously need is Social Services to come and cook for me before I fade away, but Ive got Bob Hope of that happening!

Why?

Yesterday I was having a coffee in out local leisure centre when this small boy came up to me and said "Why do you have wheels on your chair?"...in a very loud voice. Im guessing he was about 4 and I'm sure if his mother had heard him she'd have died a thousand deaths of embarrassment! I don't mind at all to be honest, Id much rather kids asked these things than just stare which is what most do. Trouble is I don't really have a nice entertaining and fun tale to tell them yet. Wish I did. So what I said was "So I can go round really fast and run over everyones toes!" He looked at me and seemed satisfied with this answer and then went off to tell his mum about the strange lady. I wish adults were as direct sometimes.

A Recent Picture

Well here we are at Kielder a month ago. I have to say I dont take a good picture at the best of times, and here Im looking pregnant, cold and not sitting up that straight. Sitting up straight is a bit of a problem right now, so its just as well my new chair will have a higher back. But my son as ever, glows brightly and here he is with what we think was an Elk ( or moose, or reindeer).

Au Revoir not Goodbye

Just before Christmas, my job came to an end, and you know what?.. I was heartbroken. Its silly I know because I knew it would, but I never really thought the whole thing would go as well as it did.

When I first applied I sent in the scrappiest application ever and never thought Id get an interview, and when I did, I was, looking back, quite aggressive. At the time I was still having quite a lot of anger issues which have now subsided for the most part into the background again. Never for one second did I think I would get the job, I suspect I was the only applicant actually, but the application was in itself just a way of dipping my toe back into the job market. It was a huge shock to find myself going to work at a job Id never done before and I wasn't sure I was up to it either physically or mentally. But 2 months on and I started to find my feet! I wasn't so tired and things started to come together. I invested so much of myself into the work because I really really needed this to be success, and I think it probably was. I know that I did make a difference to a couple of people so it was worth it. I got to know a lot of people, made some friends, and started to feel like a real person again. My own self esteem returned and I felt a sense of worth which had been missing for a while.

So on my last day I tried really hard not to cry. No fuss please I said, so I didn't get any which was a relief. I cry a lot these days and its not a pregnancy thing, I'm just more emotional than I was, life is a different colour to what it was. I didn't cry until I got in the car and drove out of Penrith, and then I sobbed all the way up the M6. It wasn't the money, or the work, but the people I had left behind. I cried for me, for everything I was, and everything I will be in the future. For the success of the last few months, and the feeling that maybe I was starting to draw a big black line under some parts of my life.

Now hold your head up, Mason

See America lies there

The morning tide has raised

The capes of Delaware

Come up and feel the sun

A new morning has begun

Another day will make it clear

Why your stars should guide us here.....

I really love this song and in particular this verse. Every day I want to feel the sun, see the new day, and wonder why I am here.

Axle, Axel

I cant believe my 'luck' because its such a rare happening, that I cant imagine how I did it, but Ive bent the axle pin on my wheelchair and I don't have a spare....! This could almost be disaster as the new chair wont be arriving just yet, and you cant just pop down to B & Q to get a new one. I sort of noticed it yesterday, but it wasn't until today that I did a full inspection and realised the problem. To be honest I'm no engineer and I'm not sure how they work, but you press the button in and it comes out, and push in again and it locks. There is a small bit that pops out at the end which has been bent so its not popping properly!! You can see just how technical my understanding is here. What it means basically is that the wheel doesn't lock in securely, meaning it could roll off anytime with me still sitting in the chair. The only immediate course of action is for me to sit down tonight with a range of pliers, screwdrivers and stuff and see if I can tease it back into place. I just wish I knew how Id managed to accomplish this rare feat! Doh!

Wriggle wriggle...

I'm getting this bloody awful leg spasm in bed every night and its not funny. I'm ok until I lie down and then the whole thing kicks off, quite literally. Basically I have a very unpleasant feeling as if an electric prod has been applied to my groin and left thigh, and in combination with a sort of weird tickle, it sends my left leg shooting off on its own mission. I just cant stop the damn thing and spend ages wriggling around, changing positions and trying to lie on top of the leg to stop it. While I wouldn't call it painful, which is what many people say about spasms, its definitely very uncomfortable and a rather disagreeable sensation to want for another word there. It seems its a result of Hersh minimus getting bigger and starting to press down a bit. Great, I really cant wait until I'm 8 months pregnant, that's going to be a real joy!!

4am.

The one thing that drives me nuts is that during my pregnancy my immune system all but vanishes. This means in reality that for the last few months every little bug has come along swinging a bloody great sledge hammer and pounding me on the head.

So its 4 am and for the last 3 hours the slight cold that I have has turned into the monster from hell. My cough has turned into tuberculosian proportions and just to make it even worse I have managed to throw up all over my quilt, the bathroom and the kitchen. Its bad enough when you are AB'd but when you re not, you have to sit and take what comes and deal with it afterwards.

What Id like now more than anything is for a big hand to come down from the sky, lift me up and pop me into a soft bed with Egyptian cotton sheets and the biggest, softest fluffiest pillows and quilts you've ever seen. In reality I'm trying to sleep downstairs on the reclining chair. Ah life just gets better and better doesn't it!!!?

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Remember how some weeks ago I mentioned we were taking my son to the Kielder Forest Winter Wonderland and I was a bit sceptical about the access? Well don't you just hate it when you turn out to be right? In fact I would have given anything to be really wrong about it, but sadly it wasn't that well put together from an accessible viewpoint.

We arrived in good time to find parking very odd. It took 3 attempts and 3 times I got out the car before I was told to park in the right spot. There was no one around to ask and my husband spent ages trying to find someone to speak to. The morning started with a trip to the elves workshop which in itself was a great experience and a wonderful piece of theatre. The venue was so so. It was held in some sort of out building with a high threshold to flip over and a narrow door. Now my chair isn't wide by any standards although I have a largish camber, making my wheels wider at the base, but I was just able to squeak through the door with not so much as a fingers room left between me and the door post. Anyone larger wouldn't have been able to get in.

After the Elves it was time to go and see Santa. The main group of the party split off for the woodland walk while we went off on the accessible route. Half of this was on the road and the other half in the woods. I'm not moaning about this because its hard to make woodland walks accessible without major work, so I had to struggle and push hard and then flip along until we got to Santas Hideaway. Unfortunately this is where it all went horribly wrong. For a start you had to walk down a wet gravelled slope to get to see him. Although not steep I just looked at it and my heart flipped down into my stomach and I thought 'Oh No'. Second disaster is that in order to get into Santa's hideaway you had to go up a couple of steps and through quite a narrow door. I just though 'No I cant do this.' Although several male members of the party offered to pull me up I declined for several reasons.

1. Its a question of safety. They are not trained in wheelchair lifting and I don't want to be dropped.

2. There should have been a ramp at the entrance. It was such an easy thing to do its unforgivable they didn't have one.

3. I'm pregnant and really didn't want any risks taken.

4. Dignity and embarrassment. I should not be embarrassed or made to feel undignified as a group of strangers try to hoist me up.

5. Its pretty embarrassing for my husband too....

....and so on and so on. You get my drift anyway. So I put on my best cheerful face and said 'don't worry I'll sit here while you go in....no its fine really I dont mind' I didn't want to make a fuss because everyone was here to see Santa with their children and the magic would have gone. I'm not insensitive to stuff like that. So they all went in and I sat outside on my own in the cold for 20 minutes staring at a robin in a tree. All this time my eyes prickled and I did my very best not to cry. And I didn't. I smiled and smiled and smiled when my son came out because I'm the most cheerful Mummy in the world, all the time realising Id just missed one of those magical moments in childhood,

So the rest of the day was OK, although time and time again access wasn't great. I'm pretty angry and will be writing to Northumberland Water this week to ask for a refund. What I'm most cross about is the fact I stated at the time of booking I was a wheelchair user and the fact that most of the difficulties, especially Santas Hideway could have so simply been made good at very little cost.

A Social Whirl...............

The week before Christmas I was invited out, on my own for evening entertainment. How amazing was that? I mean, I never ever ever get asked anywhere. I think without a lie its at least 3 years since I did anything like this, and it could be nearer 4. I get the feeling that once you have a disability, certainly something obvious, society seems to think that you are forever in mourning and that you wouldnt want to enjoy yourself and any sense of humour went along with your loss of function.

But amazingly I was asked along to a bowling and curry evening at work. WOW, when did I have a curry? 3 years ago? Yes I think so and as for bowling well I did 10 pin bowling in a former life, and thought it was a lot of fun.

So I turned up and we split off into 2 groups for 'games'. Although no one had ever played before so you can imagine the games were more of a case of who can get the bowl to stay on the green as opposed to anything serious. So it was pretty hilarious to say the least and I enjoyed it more than I can say, I really laughed which is such a good feeling. Mind you I was at a slight disadvantage as I couldn't lean over enough to place my bowel so it mostly fell out of my hand with more of a bang. Still, didn't matter it was the fun that counted.

We then went on for curry. Apart from the blip of having an unforeseen step to get in, it was a nice place with good food. I had a bad bout of gluttony and stuffed myself stupid, having an onion bargee to start with as well as an enormous quantity of poppadoms and pickles. Then I went on the have nan bread and a chicken malay which is a mild thing with fruit. Definatly a case of eyes bigger then stomach I must admit. In fact combined with the baby I was so full I could scarcely push myself back to the car and had to be helped up a dropped kerb!! Embarrassing!! But I have to say there is nothing better than good company, lots of food and decent conversation to cure the winter blues. And as for bowling.... Oh yes count me in, I'm up for it anytime!!!

Watch Out!!!!

It was a couple of days before Christmas, and I stupid, stupid, stupidly decided to go into Morrison's for those 'last minute' things that we all think we need. Anyway Morrison's in Penrith is a victim of its own success, as not only was the store jammed packe, but finding a space in the car park was akin to winning the lottery. By some wondrous miracle I pounced on a disabled spot, but for the majority of people waiting for a space this wasn't possible. So the car park was full of cars waiting for spaces, yes, a health and safety accident waiting to happen.

This car park is the type where cars park nose to nose, with no pedestrian walkways so you have to go behind the parked cars. Since using a wheelchair Ive always been rather cautious as I can see its bloody easy to reverse out and hit someone or something. Anyway I rattled carefully towards the entrance negotiating various hazards when suddenly my right shoulder really hurt. 'OUCH!' I shouted and then 'BLOODY HELL!! ***** !' as it dawned to me that this Volvo driving woman had reversed into me. So I banged the back of the car and shouted loudly, just a little bit abusively mind. Actually I was surprisingly restrained really. Nothing though, she just drove off. 10 minutes later she and her husband walked into the store whereby I said loudly to them, 'You just drove into me'. Again nothing, you know how people blank you? Well that's what she did to me. I wasn't looking to sue her or anything like that but a Sorry would have been nice. Season of Good Will hmmmm?